Thread: Problem people
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Old 12-05-2011, 05:42 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 495

Kamala, I see where you're coming from, but I see a distinct difference for having compassion and understanding for people who are struggling (and not making them out to be BAD people), and inviting them into a personal emotional, mental or physical relationship, whether that be friends or lovers.

I'm studying to be a counselor (MFT and LPCC) myself, so I completely have understanding and compassion for those who have emotional and mental issues that they are dealing with, living with or struggling with. I don't see them as bad people at all, but people who have problems and issues that make their lives difficult.

However I also come from a family dynamic where about half of my mom's side of the family were suffering from very severe personality disorders (specifically Borderline Personality Disorder) and also had other issues (most likely bipolar or cyclothymic disorder), and I can tell you that as a child growing up in that atmosphere and seeing the pain and anguish my mother suffered growing up with that in her family-- the pain and trauma of trying to be in a relationship with them has caused long-term damage both emotionally and mentally.

My mother still suffers from PTSD flashbacks from the trauma and abuse she's suffered at the hands of her family. I don't have anything nearly that severe, as my mother was a great mother, but I have a lot of self-esteem and trust issues that stem from the fact that my family liked to crap on people's self esteem and were completely self-centered, untrustworthy and emotionally manipulative.

So while I'm definitely of the opinion that people that are deep in suffering need to be given compassion, and definitely need help and support IF THEY SO CHOOSE, I also am very wary of opening my life and psyche back up to people who have severe emotional issues and choose not to do anything about it. Because I've learned the absolute hardest way that if they are not willing to do any work, they will never get better, and they will never be capable of being in a healthy relationship. And I've had enough of that type of drama in my life.

I also agree with what you're saying in that people have to take responsibility for the choices they make in who they bring into their lives. From my point of view that's what the article was saying. That you need to choose carefully and with actual forethought who you get into a relationship with, and if there are red flags flying, then maybe you should CHOOSE not to go forward any further.

Too many people see red flags and problems and barrel forward because "they have no choice, they are in LOVE". And that is not only unwise but it is taking no responsibility for your choices. Just because you feel the warm fuzzies for somebody doesn't mean you no longer have any choices about whether or not to be with them. You have the choice to say "hey, I really have feelings for this person, but they are not in a position to be in a healthy relationship and I choose not to move any further for now."

This doesn't mean you can't have compassion and concern for them, care about them, or offer them friendship and support. It just means you don't expect a healthy relationship with an unhealthy person and if you want healthy relationships you need to be more choosy about who you choose. That's what the article expressed to me anyway.
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