I know this is my first time posting and this isn't really addressing the major needs, (which yes are totally communication), however something DH and I thought when we read this might be helpful. DH and I have done the five love languages and for me physical touch is a big one! I lamented once that even in make out sessions, it ended up becoming sex. Not always a bad thing but it made me reticent to just get cuddle time. I discussed this with DH and we worked on it. Yes, for awhile it meant me saying, "I don't want sex, just you." It also meant that sometimes he had to 'take care of things' himself afterwards. We did find though, that there were even times I didn't want sex but just make outs and cuddling and then ended up getting to the point where I wanted sex too.
In the end, it's still about communication. I understand it's probably hard, you aren't feeling well, there's stress, kids, family. Add to that the not wanting to say something negative about a partner or partner's partner and you are keeping a lot in! We just went through a really really stressful period. (hopefully we are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel now) What we found important was to remind each other that we loved each other and to talk, and to take time to just be. No freaking out, no stress, just sit, watch a movie, cook together, and reconnect. We could feel the stress just pushing a wedge between us and while it would have been easy to let it and to enjoy the less stressful relationship with my OSO, I knew I needed to reconnect with DH.