Thread: Conflicted
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Old 12-04-2011, 07:22 PM
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hyperskeptic hyperskeptic is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 428

First, welcome to the forum. Many of us here - myself included - are relatively new to all this. In that sense, you're in good company.

Originally Posted by secretposter View Post
Hi I'm new here and I know I'm going to get alot of flak for what I'm about to type.
Flak isn't likely, given what I've learned of people on the forum. Stern advice, tough love, the occasional good talkin'-to, yes, but rarely flak, especially for people who 1) are in a vulnerable position, and 2) are up front about the fact that they are conflicted . . . as you are, in the very title of your post.

Originally Posted by secretposter View Post
Anyway, we have discussed this alot. After alot of war between us, more counselling than I'd care to admit we are together and happy. My wife is bi but mono and as far as I can see she's not for turning.

Thing is I've met another woman who is in an open relationship and is happy to remain so and we get on like a house on fire. What drives me nuts is the fact that I cannot tell my wife about this wonderful person in my life. It's frankly cracking me up.
Okay, here's a stern bit of advice, from one newbie to another: you have to talk to your wife about this, right now, before things go any further. Be as judicious as you please in setting it up, maybe do it in the context of counseling, but tell her.

As for what to tell her, that you have developed strong feelings for another person is an important fact about you. It's not something you or she can wish away. It's not something you can ignore.

Does your wife already know you lean poly? Have you discussed that aspect of yourself? Does she know what it means, i.e., that you are able to develop strong feelings for someone else without detracting from your feelings for and commitment to your wife?

If she already knows that, telling her that you currently have strong feelings for someone else shouldn't come as that much of a surprise to her.

It's what you do on the basis of those feelings that matters. Once you've told her that you have feelings for the other woman, you pretty much have to tell her what, if anything, you've done on the basis of those feelings. Again, past actions are now a matter of fact.

Once all that's out in the open, you then have to figure out what to do next. That is not a matter of fact, but a matter of choice. Since it seems you've been doing the hard work of keeping your marriage going, it seems your wife should be involved in whatever choices follow from all this . . .

Originally Posted by secretposter View Post
I'm okay now but I know as my relationship with this other woman progresses it's going to become more difficult but it has reached the stage that losing either would break me.
Here's another stern bit of advice. Put on the brakes, for now. If you allow the relationship with the other woman to "progress" without coming clean with your wife, you will very quickly find yourself just plain cheating on your wife . . . if you aren't already doing so by withholding important information from her.

Really, just don't go there.

Besides, it's important to keep your feelings in perspective. It may feel as though losing the other woman would "break" you, but that may just be "NRE" talking.

(NRE = "new relationship energy", the giddy rush of emotion and urgency and near-obsession at the beginning of a new relationship, which can blow out of all proportion the importance of the relationship and your own feelings. If not acknowledged and treated with some caution, NRE can do serious harm to existing relationships that seem less immediately urgent. There are many, many posts on these forums about NRE. Check the glossary, and do a search for NRE.)

Originally Posted by secretposter View Post
I do know that as things stand if I tell her about the other woman in my life it would crush her.
I won't presume to know about your relationship and its history, but imagine how much more crushing it would be when your wife learns - and she will learn, sooner or later - of your deception.

("Deception" may be too strong a word for what you're doing now, which may be just withholding information to which your wife is entitled by moral right. But, as things "develop", deception is almost bound to follow. Again, don't go there.)

Others may be able to advise you more fully on how to talk to your wife about all this, and what, precisely, you should say. This is one of those situations in which your very choice of words is a matter for serious ethical reflection . . .

I wish you all the courage and strength you need for what's ahead.

"Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge" - Charles Darwin

"Mystical explanations are considered deep. The truth is that they are not even superficial." - Friedrich Nietzsche

Last edited by hyperskeptic; 12-05-2011 at 03:50 AM. Reason: spelling (I'm picky that way)
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