Really bad night. I lost it last night and told my OSO June it was over. I told her it became a friendship. I lost the desire to be romantically involved with her. I also lost the desire to be physical with her. Just another down moment when I struggled with "why" I don't feel that way. I reached my breaking point and decided that I didn't want to hurt anybody anymore with the OK/Not OK drama.
Obviously everyone took it really hard. My wife is really hurt by this. I woke up today and being true to a scorpio, she stabbed me. My wife said she didn't love me like that and didn't think things between us would work. Later this afternoon she retracted from this and said she is just having a hard time coping. Still I wonder if our marriage will have what it takes to make it on it's own.
Through this I realize something really sad. I had problems with this. I have always had problems making decisions but this made it worse. My inability to make a decision itself wore me down. I had major jealousy, anger and lots of negative emotions in my life. Some due to this, some not.
It was my problems, my own drama that made me feel this way. I should have gone for help sooner. I keep asking myself if only I got the help I needed to find the root of the problem I would have found a good peace with this and really enjoyed it.
As I expected I miss my own OSO today. However I'm sad because I know I ruined any chance of us ever being that way. Also for my wife who now is dealing with a loss. No I did not ask her to stop or get him out of her life. She is convinced I will never be ok. We also talked and she asked me.
I told her the truth. It would be hurting me if it continued. I had thought throughout this time to just find someone else to take me away from my inner turmoil. In this state of mind all it would take is someone else to come along and I would not have a chance at saving my marriage. My children would not have a full time father.
I am fine with them being friends as I keep an open mind and still desire to be friends with my former OSO.
fyi on the swinging thing. My wife admitted she was looking to replace what she was losing. She said she was still intrigued but it probably was not what she really wanted.