Originally Posted by AnnabelMore
I think every effort should be made to NOT enter a relationship when you're not ready, but once you're in it and hearts are involved, every effort should be made not to break up two people who care for each other unless the relationship has reached a natural death. As someone whose primary experience of poly has been as a secondary, I have a real sensitivity and trigger about the idea of my relationship having to end because of problems totally outside of what's going on with me and my partner. I can understand why it might have to happen, but I think it could leave a deep scar because there'd be this lack of resolution, potentially moreso than if the relationship ended for its own reasons.
I totally understand where you're coming from AnnabelMore. And I agree that the person who got pulled into an unhealthy relationship is in a bad place and I woudn't wish for them to get hurt.
But here's the thing that hits me (and I admit I'm very very triggered by this as well but from the other side) -- the person who loses in all of this is the person whose partner went out and started a relationship when they shouldn't have. At this point it ends up being a choice of either sucking it up and trying to fix your relationship while your partner is knee-deep in NRE and not as motivated (and that's if they remember you're still there at all), or leave the relationship.
And here's another thing .... if a person is NOT in a secure relationship, then of COURSE they feel insecure-- because the relationship isn't secure! Being in an insecure situation will make you feel insecure. That's a feeling based in reality. It's a warning that things are not right, and shouldn't be ignored.
And RP-- poobah's wife was very jealous that poobah's OSO had developed feelings for her him, so they are both dealing with insecurity and jealousy and not handling the emotions well. That to me, indicates that they need to work on themselves individually and as a couple before they are involved with other people whose hearts may be on the line.
Plus, I don't think poobah originally, or I in any of my posts suggested ending the relationship. I think that asking for six months or so to get the hard work done in the couple isn't that big of a request and in the end will benefit everybody involved, including the OSO's. I believe poobah asked for a respite, and only asked for the sexual aspect to be curtailed while they work on things, not that they stop seeing each other at all. Honestly, I would think a healthy person would be okay with that, knowing that if the work is done there will be a healthier relationship for all involved at some point. Just my thoughts...