Just realised that my tendency to ramble and cut a short story long may come across a bit "special snowflake". I'll try for something more bite-sized today.
I'm m, M, mimosa, mess
S is a sugar a sage salacious
C is a badass fist in the face, "one of the sweetest guys you'll ever meet", secretly loves funk, wears black and jeans
I guess maybe you don't need to know us; we can be placeholders and you can do the relationship algebra:
m(s + c)
From C's blog, Feb 2010:
"It's taken me a while to actually grok that there really are three people in this relationship and not just: me and her, her and him, two independently spinning wheels turning around the same axle."
Sage didn't expect the "threesome dynamics" to impact on his world as much as it did. He thought: good for M, she can go do her thing, and I'll do my own thing when she's off doing her own thing... It wasn't a DADT scenario at all, but more of a don't need to know, and don't expect to have to put that much energy into it.
But woah, poor dude, it's taken a lot of effort from him to make this work. Much of it was because of my fear that he actually wasn't okay, and me needing to talk with him about how he felt about this or that. I guess it was just all the initial hardcore communication work you need to put in, but we hadn't really thought how much that would be.
He had to do quite a bit of reassuring, which he found taxing at times. Once he said the most difficult thing about poly was having to constantly communicate to me that he was okay with things (e.g. me staying out with C when S wanted to head home - it wasn't enough for me to hear Sage say things were cool, it's almost like I needed to have a long cuddle and a chat to feel like we were all good before I could let him go home alone without me. You can see how this would grow tiresome quickly!)
Over time I've learnt to take things at face value, and trust S to tell me when he's feeling bad. He has a tendency to process 'minor' things himself, rather than bring them up as issues, but I guess that's his style. I need to believe him when he says he cares about our relationship too much to sabotage it by staying silent when he should communicate. And I have to stop fretting the little things.
Now and then I still need that almost non-rational reassurance, but it's far less often than before. We actually developed a speed solution for when I need reassurance. It's kind of embarrassing but it works...
When we're over talking and I just need a strong sign from him that things are cool, I flap my arms like a penguin and make this little growl-whine noise, and he pats me on the head and says "pats pats" (like "there there"), then we laugh at ourselves and kiss and we're done!
Last edited by fuchka; 12-02-2011 at 03:05 AM.