This shall be my journal on my love life... it shall be rough. I will use sailor language and will be simply me. I am writing to help me keep track. I care not if someone reads this. I am especially not expecting anything. Sometimes your life is easier to comprehend if you write it from the moment and how you feel as it happens. I also find I can sort things through more easily this way.
12/1/2011 @ 2:31 pm.
Today T came over on his lunch break around noon or so. I missed him. I haven't had alone time with him in a week or more (time is hard to keep track of lately as I keep speeding forward on this possibly derailing train!).
I was taking my boots off on the couch at my father's. I was here alone. T knocked on the door after I had texted him inviting him over. I got butterflies. This always happens when I see him. I can't help smiling, which makes him smile. I missed him SO MUCH. When B was down in Florida (big back story I'll be working towards), it was just T and I.
We had SO much alone time then. Now that's impossible or we have 'family' time. I also am wary of having too much alone time with him, fearing hurting B or making her jealous or feeling alone.
So I threw myself out the door at him and just flung myself all over him. I missed his smell. He was smelling like sweat and work... good combination! ^.^
We kissed a ton. I couldn't help giggling like a little girl. He had shaved his face recently. It scratched all over my face with its roughness which I can still feel tingling with a little burn from the raw friction. I couldn't stop holding him. He was with me on the couch as I just held close to him. I let B know he was over via text. She got to being herself, worried and upset. I don't blame her. Sad face.
His stomach rumbled so I knew he was hungry. I led him to the fridge to feed him. I want to take care of him/baby his needs. I don't show it. Or I act like he's a man - he can do it. T is 23. I don't let him know I want so much to do everything for him.
I showed him a music video: 'Arrows' by Fireworks (very cute!) while he ate a pizza boat.
We have so many like interests I never fear showing him something new. I showed him American Beauty the other week and he loved it so much he went and bought it ^.^
I kept kissing him. He smokes (not happy or mad about it, like I would have been if it had been anyone else), so he tasted like cigarettes. I was drinking Dr. Pepper so that's what I tasted like apparently
I am naturally a very sexual person, so of course I got pretty excited. He could tell and he did as well. I climbed on top of him to kiss him and I feel very passionate that way. One thing led to another to the guest bedroom.
We had sex/made love? slowly. I asked him a couple weeks back what he thought it was we did when we were intimate in a physical, intercourse, way. I asked if we made love. He said we did sometimes. I asked if we fucked ever, he said yes. Usually I like it fast or rough so I consider it fucking then. But lately the slow and tender way has been more appealing. We made love, yes, made love today.
It was lovely.
He held me a bit again downstairs when we were dressed again. We texted B because we had neglected to do so in our selfish desires. I told her we did stuff and I was sorry I didn't reply right away. He had to leave for work again, which made my heart heavy.
B wasn't doing well. She spam texts or calls...
At first she texted: What are you doing? I tell you everything all the time . .
-Which for one is partially true. She texts alot, I'm not that way usually. I am not huge for technology. She tells me yes, sometimes in a gloating way. Either way though I don't get upset. The very first time they were together when she got back though, I loathed it and I felt sick. We weren't really 'together' wholly per say then though. And then she tried to rub it in my face. She insisted then that it had to hurt and blah blah blah... it did but I acted tough to avoid upsetting T.
I didn't respond so she continued: I love you. Sorry if i was frustrated.
She was. Still was.
She spammed it three times. We finished at this point and I texted her back. I simply said sorry for not texting. We did naughty things*
*that's what we call it. Never sex.
She texted back: I figured. No sorry. Sex with you is better for him than it is with me. Ill live with it.
Which makes me feel like dirt... Some back story now! The first threesome we had ended in sex. B and I already had orgasms and we wanted T to cum. We wanted it to end with him going back and forth having sex with us. I watched him in amazement have sex with her and marveled in her body tremors and I wanted to learn how to make her do that. I watched ever excited and happy ^.^ Then he did with me. He faced me, me on bottom. He went slow. His face looked pained... I was pretty sure he was close to cumming. Then he went back to B. He did it fast and hard with her. I was sad because I wanted that. When he came back it was slow again. B said he couldn't cum in only one of us, it wouldn't be fair. He pulled out and went all over us. I was upset I didn't get the fast she had gotten but I got over it quickly. I went to work. She wasn't happy he went slow with me and fast her. She asked him about why he did it differently. He said we gave him different sensations. We felt different. B can't ever leave it alone. She was curious and asked. I don't blame her. He said why which she regretted. I haven't been with many people. She has. he explained he has to go slower with me because it feels so good because I am tighter... ... ... ... ... She is still pained by this.
I felt like poo and she felt that so she made amends quickly.
She sent: Im in a bad mood. . You didn't do anything wrong. Dont be proud of me (I had told her I was because she was working). I love you! I fucking miss you. But its whatever. I dont think I should talk to you right now because i might be mean. . And i dont want to be.
Then right away she texted, Im sorry. Im ok.
i miss you
it's okay now and we're texting. The conversation they had about our first threesome wasn't what she or I had wanted.
And this past threesome didn't help...
We had already done stuff and he had already came but later we (B and I) decided we just wanted penis, not too much threesome stuff. We did help him touch the other but not like the other times. So we were doing that. He made her cum. She wanted him to make me cum and I really wanted that ha ha ha! She said I had to tell him how to do it to make me cum. I said I wanted it fast and hard. He was doing good and I was almost there... Until he slowed and said, "Baby, I came." I pulled out from under him and flung myself onto B. She was silent for a long time... It was night time so we all laid in the dark. She was upset. I whispered over and over I was sorry and that I hadn't wanted him to do that. She said it was okay. After forever when she was okay she pulled T towards us and made a Marinia sandwich. i still felt bad so T had my back and she had my front. I wouldn't acknowledge him much. We resolved it though.
I got on here and joined this for guidance, help, venting without telling people I actually know. So I've been here since
good decision on my part.
I hope this message wasn't too graphic? I hope not. Someone let me know please! I just felt like all that was relevant and not graphic just to be graphic.
T promised to come over after work too.
Shit! It's now, 3:26 pm....
I have to work tonight at 10... I need sleep.
T gets off in half an hour to an hour
goodnight journal and www.polyamory.com
P.s. B just called. I think she thinks T is already here... She gets so jealous, but it's warranted. I'll get to that soon.
P.s.s. sometimes though I do get overwhelmed by her constant pressing.
But she'll accuse me of seeing him in the morning when he's not even at owrk yet. Or she'll worry he hasn't texted her or I and she's worried he's cheating.
P.s.s.s. She said I could bring another guy into the relationship if I ever wanted someone else. She said it could never be another girl (this is out of insecurity I know).
P.s.s.s.s. T said I could only bring in a girl if I ever wanted someone else, because he is insecure too, although he won't say so.
it's not 3:34