Originally Posted by gypsygirl
... the "warn me beforehand, and then I can cuddle without trying to have sex" was something I suggested to him. I know he's a randy kind of guy, so I suggested he ask and establish boundaries before starting the cuddle. It might be a little clinical, but I felt it would help in the long run.
Yeah, I see that you want to be helpful. But I'm not sure how it would help. It does seem rather strange to me that a spouse wouldn't want physical affection unless it leads to coitus, or would need a warning that it will only be cuddling without coitus. I mean, what's the problem? Why would all touch require sex or an announcement that it won't? If they snuggle up and he gets a hard-on but she isn't in the mood, he can jerk off. Or let the hard-on subside. What's the big deal? I can see how this would leave her feeling like he is only interested in sex.
Also, if Goimir never kisses her unless he wants sex, and she was sick and had already told him she wasn't ready to fuck yet, of course she would see that as dismissing her feelings and only wanting what he wants. If her bf was someone she knew she could count on for physical affection without feeling like he was demanding sex (not saying Goimir demanded it but KLP may have felt that way), it makes sense that she went to be with him even if he and his wife seemed like two germophobes. She was feeling pressured and wanted some tenderness with someone she missed. And she may not have been offended by the bf's behavior at all, or not as much as you and Goimir were. All relationships have their own flavor.
I think what would be more helpful (rather than asking her to announce that only cuddling will happen) is for them to look at and have a conversation about what they both need in terms of physical intimacy and try to find a way to compromise. Express to each other the deeper feelings behind what they want and don't want, how they feel when they don't get what they want (nobody gets what they want all the time, after all), and how to deal with those feelings more lovingly and effectively.