View Single Post
Old 12-01-2011, 01:25 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,004

Okay, Goimir and KeyLimePie, just be careful here not to start slinging mud at each other and fighting on this forum. It's a good place for people in relationships to express what's going on with each other, and explain their differing viewpoints in order for other members to have a more rounded picture before giving advice, but if it starts getting into nastiness and fighting, the Moderators will lock the thread. It's good that you're both here if you try to have a productive conversation toward reaching some resolution that both of you will be happy with. So...

KLP tells us she's been very sick and Goimir has been taking care of her, while she's been unable to see her bf. I am sure, Goimir, that KLP appreciates all the attention and care you gave her while she was sick.

Her points:
  1. She missed her bf and was happy to be able to snuggle with him as soon as she was well enough.
  2. She's still not ready for sex and doesn't feel sexual yet with either her hubs or bf.
  3. She says Goimir only wants to snuggle and kiss if it leads to sex; otherwise, he doesn't want to.
  4. Goimir told her she cannot see her bf "for any purposes" until she has sex again with Goimir.
  5. She believes that Goimir's idea of intimacy conflicts with hers, and her needs around intimacy.
  6. She feels hurt and manipulated by Goimir saying she can't be with her bf yet.
  7. She feels "heartache" because it seems Goimir won't touch her unless he wants sex and gets angry/irritated if she cuddles with him but doesn't want to go all the way.
  8. KLP wants affectionate touch more often.
  9. She feels she has lived with this without asking him to change, but he wants her to change for him.
Goimir says he is jealous and feels the situation is unfair. He takes issue with some of what she's posted here.

His points:
  1. He attempted kissing KLP "on the mouth last week" [when she was feeling very ill?] and was rejected.
  2. KLP hasn't initiated any mouth-kissing with Goimir since rejecting him.
  3. Goimir enjoys snuggling, but doesn't like it not knowing in advance that it won't lead to sex. He wants some "warning."
  4. Goimir wishes KLP would talk more with him about sex.
  5. Goimir doesn't like trying to figure out what she wants.
  6. He envies the time she is planning to spend with the bf.
  7. It is unfair in Goimir's eyes that KLP wants to be with her bf, even if no sex takes place, because she hasn't been having sex with Goimir. He is angry about that.
First, I see communication issues, big time. I was also going to recommend the book "Five Love Languages." It seems you are either not communicating or on different wavelengths.

It sounds like you both have swallowed some upsetting feelings rather than expressing them, and so they come out in anger, perhaps misplaced. Goimir, you seem angry that you won't see your gf for a long time and are likely missing her very much, but you're taking it out on KLP. KLP, you've been disappointed by how Goimir expresses his desire for you, and you want more non-sexual intimacy, but have chosen to live with the "heartache," as you called it, and seek it with your bf instead of talking to Goimir about it.

Neither of you seem to have been working together to help each other through these hurts. And now you're both pissed off and saying regrettable things to each other.

Goimir, just because someone has multiple relationships does not mean that each partner always gets the same things, attention, and treatment as the other. I think it is a big mistake to always see things as tit-for-tat, ie., "she has to have sex/cuddle with me as many times as she does with him." You are different people and these are different relationships.

You seem to be missing your gf. Your wife was sick, so you've been giving her lots of attention. But you want attention too, and now that she's better you might feel like she owes you, or maybe you just don't want to feel alone. That is understandable. However, the way to ask for what you need is not to blow up when she wants to see her bf and forbid her from going. She missed him, just like you miss your gf. Tell your wife how much you're hurting (yes, it's okay to admit that it hurts) and how you want some attention from her. Realize that she's still not feeling tip-top yet, and though you seem to focus on sex more than she does, her wanting to cuddle without sex can give you the feeling of closeness and companionship you want.

KLP, you weren't feeling well, but maybe you didn't realize how much Goimir was aching for affection. He kissed you when you were sick, and often seems to you to only want sex. I think you both have lots of years of holding in your feelings, all bottled up inside you, which may have pushed you to lash out and reject him. You probably get exasperated every time he wants sex and you want intimacy. Maybe you feel used or unappreciated because of it, but you need to start communicating your deeper feelings with each other. Start by remembering all the good stuff that brought you together, and then get real. Talk honestly, and try not to let it escalate into a fight.

I think some therapy/counseling would help. You both seem to have a great deal of pent-up unresolved anger.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 12-01-2011 at 01:42 AM.
Reply With Quote