I've been thinking about boundaries a lot lately. I wrote somewhere on the forum that I have a boundary in my relationship with JJ that I wouldn't want him dating or sleeping with my closest friends. I think I would feel equally bad if rory did the same, but there has been no need for that boundary in our relationship because she hasn't spent much time with my friends (well obviously since we live in different countries). I talked about this boundary of mine with rory the other day and she asked some good questions about why I have it.
I have this one friend who I've known since childhood and we have a perfect friendship. I mean perfect as in I can't think of a single way to make it better, it is just the kind of friendship I want. So, if one of my partners started dating her, our friendship would never be the same again. I guess that's the fundamental reason why I would feel bad about it. Because I can't imagine the friendship with her getting better, it would have to become worse if it changed. I couldn't talk about my partners with her the same way I can now and she couldn't either. We would lose that part of the friendship and many more, I imagine.
But then there are a few friends that I could well imagine in a relationship with my partner in a way that wouldn't hurt the friendship. In some cases I could even imagine it improving the friendship: me and the friend could spend more time together and maybe become closer than before.
There are a couple of friends that I would like to keep to myself in a very selfish way. The childhood friend I mentioned, she's one of them. I wouldn't even like the idea of her becoming too good friends with my partners, let alone lovers. I hate myself for saying that because it sounds so awful.
I know I don't own her and if things happen, they happen. And like I wrote in the other thread, this boundary is very much negotiable. So if my partner asked for it, I would reconsider and probably would let them do what they want in the end. Who am I to stop them? But it would take time to get used to the idea and let that friendship go as we knew it.
Although I will always want a part of my life to be just mine. A hobby, a friend, something. It's part of the ideal independant life that I want for myself. For being polyamorous I seem to be quite bad at sharing.