I don't think you need to worry about labels right now, Rodeo. What I get from your post is that since 1990, for 21 years, other than one short lived relationship that was abusive, you've only had one night stands with strangers?
Polyamory has the word amor, love, in it. You've never really been in love, except perhaps for a time, with the abuser. You have trouble with intimacy, trust, sharing your depth, with others. If you don't love anyone, you're not polyamorous. You're just fucking around.
Why do you feel trapped by monogamy? Why would you be too jealous to share a loved partner with someone else? Where does your fear of intimacy come from? If you are tired of meaningless anonymous sex, what do you want to do to change that, if anything?
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley
Mags (poly, F, 61) loving miss pixi (poly, F, 39) since January 2009, living together since 2013
In a newish relationship with Steve, (33, poly)
"Master," (mono, 36), miss pixi's Dom for 3 years