Too much going on, I don't seem to be able to update everything. First of all, Sward is doing better, he got some medicine and pain killers that should do until his therapy starts. Thanks to the meds he is at least able to move without feeling pain all day long.
Something strange happened right after I made the last entry here. I didn't know about my feelings up to that point. While I wrote everything down, I surprised myself and it was the famous light-bulb-effect. I had known that there was something wrong with me and Sward, but I couldn't grasp what has been the matter. After I finished here, I went back to bed, but I was too confused and livid to come to a rest. And there the next thing added to my bad mood. Lin backed off. He told me that this was a thing between Sward and me and that he wouldn't take a stand in it. Now, I got mad at him and left for the living room.
When I was back from university later that day, we talked it out. First with Sward, I told him that I recognized that I was furious about the fact that he postponed the visits at the doctor again and again and that I remonstrate with him on this now. He told me that I was seeing this in a wrong light, that it wasn't that bad during those times and that he was unable to go because of work and so on. We didn't come to a conclusion but he promised me to take care of himself in the future. And I made clear that I wouldn't tolerate this behavior a second time. (At this point, I should mention that he told me that I was a bit hypocritical there, because I tend to postpone my visits to have my migraine checked as well. Good call, I have to admit.)
The second conversation was done a bit faster than the first. After Sward left to speak to my mother because of some visits he had to do (me being in university prevents him from being mobile, he isn't allowed to drive under the influence of those meds) and Lin came to me by himself and asked if there was something I was mad about that he did. I wasn't sure if he noted the tension in the air that morning because he was half asleep when I left him. I explained to him that I think it to be perfectly fine to not want to come in between Sward and me by choosing a side if there is some potential for a quarrel, but that he should be able to comfort me if I was feeling down. Because this would have been what he would have done without a second thought, if we would have still been just friends. And there was nothing else I expected him to do when I came back to bed crying because of all the uncertainty and anger I was feeling because of Sward's situation. He said that he hadn't been able to sense the degree of my problem there. I had guessed as much and after this short explanation everything was settled.
Another noteworthy occurrence: I have been feeling ill for some days now. I am staying home today, because I am not sure if there is something with my stomach or my head or if I just feel faint in general, but I haven't had the energy to go to my courses this morning. When Sward's back became a bit better, I stayed the night with him again and the next would have been the one I spend with Lin. But I felt so … blech! would describe it perfectly, and I noticed that I would love to spend another one with Sward. I am no easy person to be around when I am ill. I tend to be whiny and emotional and sniveling and need as much comforting as I can get. And I know that Sward does this without a second thought. And that I needed it to be him who does this in this situation. It wasn't something serious, headache, inflammation of the throat and other typical common cold symptoms.
I was lucky that Lin got a new game some days ago and was eagerly playing that evening. He didn't have objections to me staying another night with Sward (I had just spent three nights with him, this could have played a part in his equation as well). When Sward saw me standing next to the bed, saying that I want to sleep with him that night, he was surprised first and then a bright smile enlightened his face. The next morning he told me that he thought it to be a compliment that I still come to him to be comforted and that he likes to do this for me. I had been afraid that he would have felt used and Lin neglected because of this need of mine, but all went well. I am still a bit unsure if there isn't some potential for hurt in this for Lin, because I don't know how clear he is able to see why I wanted to stay with Sward. But I will surely not ask, it would sound really strange to ask, why he isn't hurt by the fact that I turn to Sward to be taken care of when I am ill and refuse to stay with him in this situation.
Well, be that as it may, this has been the first time nights have been switched because of me. Five months into poly and I voice me explicit need for one of them for the first time … don't really know if this is something good or bad.