Wow, I step away from the forum for a day and I am WAY behind in my correspondence!
There has been so much said about all of this, and I’ve been (for the most part very) happily responding to a lot of different angles, opinions and perceptions. I think that because of this, a simple issue has become REALLY complicated. This is cool, as I think that it’s allowed my husband and I to go extremely deep into our communication, has brought up a whole flurry of issues that we weren’t even anticipating talking about, and has resulted in extremely clear boundaries and understanding of where we are both coming from. It’s not that we didn’t have clear communication before we ventured into this new relationship, but WOW are we clear now.
“His tendency to break boundaries and do whatever he feels like despite the "rules," seems to be a source of your pride in him and at the same time, a source of worry, now, in an intense sexual relationship that is (unexpectedy) turning out to be an emotional one. (If you are experienced in poly, why should this have blindsided you so much?)”
I would never be blindsided by an emotional relationship being borne out of a physical one; in many ways we fostered both from the beginning by making this not just about sex, but also very much about romance, intimacy and great conversation. I would say that my husband’s past tendencies to boundary push worry me much more than they do please me/cause pride. I do like that he is his own man, but don’t mistake that respect/admiration for him breaking agreements that we have in place together.
“However, if he's been abused in the past, your Dominance might be triggering for him, and he's reacting according to an old script. If you are in control, it is up to you to do everything you can to prevent this.”
I am not in control of my husband, nor would I want to be. As much as I have a dominating personality/sexual style, so does he. Our agreements are collective, and take into consideration each person’s boundaries/limits/comfort zones. You are right about the abuse though; his ex wife was very controlling, and he has shared with me that this baggage caused him to “rebel” even though it was an agreement that HE had made with me. I understand, and forgive him fully for this.
“CJ said the gf is a "sub thru and thru," that she, CJ, is "driving the bus" in this, making her the "domme," and has compared her h to a "spoiled child with his hand in the cookie jar." She is also into both of them "spoiling" the gf, who is "boundary-less," as if she is a pet or child.”
Our girlfriend IS a sub through and through. Oddly though, that makes me want to protect her, and be really careful with her subby nature. My husband DOES act like a spoiled child sometimes (so do I though, don’t we all?) We DO love spoiling our lovely lady – she is designed to be spoiled, and works so damn hard during the week that it gives us great pleasure to treat her well, cater to her, show her wonderful a great time, engage in tons of fantasy and role playing, and treat her a bit like a beautiful pet. But these are all pretty non-BDSM, if that’s possible. Sure, there’s a bit o’ the kink, but it’s not the [/COLOR]centre. I’d say my husband and I are both pretty much tops, and she’s a sub. My husband loves putting me in a power role in sex with her for the kink factor of it, but I am not a domme by personal definition. Oh boy, I can see I’m setting myself up for some major analytical dismantling now with you bunch!! Le sigh.
This is very much a case of “regular old vanilla agreements” needing to be readdressed, as I don’t think that we all understood each other as well as we do now. I really feel like you get the simplicity of our situation, and that makes me want to buy you a latte and high five you.
“One thing that I find a little confusing is that your husband is saying he's not interested in one-on-one sex with the gf. If not, then why did he choose (whether he was consciously "choosing" or just acting) that particular boundary to push multiple times? “
I believe I was responding to RedPepper’s suggestion that my husband/I might want some independent sexual experiences with S. We sat down and explored that (thank you RedPepper – was good to talk with him about that) and he said that no, it was not something that he was interested in. We’ve talked a lot about the boundary pushing that happened with sex initiating between the two of them, and it boiled down to a couple of factors: Miscommunication and Misplaced Intentions. We have talked all angles of this thing to death now, and if we have left a stone unturned and it comes up again, I will be shocked!
“But if he (and you for that matter) have an emotional, growing relationship with her, why *wouldn't* you want at least the potential for one-on-one sex?”
I think we set out to do something unique here – I haven’t seen another situation like ours on here as of yet. We truly decided to expand our relationship to a third – not to segment into individuals/coming together occasionally, but to create a three person relationship. There are a couple of kinks to work out, obviously, but for the most part, I can’t even begin to tell you how divine and fun it is. Sure, I am in charge of communication, but that’s largely because it’s uncomplicated that way – she and I set up dates, keep in touch, and share our thoughts with each other, we all three get together for dinner, a night at a trendy hotel, or she comes out to our suburban wonderland and escapes her city life for nights in the hot tub, cuddle puddles and movies, cooking dinner together, making a fire, hot action for hours on end. And it’s all three of us – I get to look at her, then my husband, then at her. We all really, really love this dynamic, and the working out of the kinks was inevitable. I think that it’s a natural inclination to pair off – it’s what we all do, and then we replicate it by pairing off again. For us, we’re not actively pursuing that pairing off (even though we’ve had some hiccups – oh please, oh please, let’s not go over those again, ever, ever, ever hahahahaha)
Maybe it’s an ideal, and maybe it’s not conventional, but I think we’re back on track and doing pretty awesome with it.
For that time when it’s just my husband and I, we fold her love back into our primary relationship, strengthening it, and fostering more of it by keeping in touch every day – txting, emailing, letter writing, packages in the mail. We never leave her lonely – this week she is missing us, and we weren’t due to see her until Saturday, so we’re driving out to the city to take her for dinner tomorrow night.
“I think this is why I see this particular agreement as fine for starting out, but as problematic if it should stay in place and try to co-exist with the goal of one or more serious love relationships.”
I don’t know what the future will hold for us, but I know that we’re pretty happy with how things are going now, and are open to see what is in store for us. I think as long as we all trust each other enough to be honest, communicate our deepest fears and desires, and remain respectful of each other, that only good things can come out of it. I think it's safe to say that all of us on this forum are more open to the possibilities in relationships than many folk in this world (not to segregate or make us better than, just a fact!)
I can say, however that this first big communication/boundary/weirdness test has proven to be a really good one. We’ll see what the future holds, and I’ll definitely dish as things change/come up!!
And YES GIRLFRIEND IN A CAGE IS A HOT IDEA
I am not going to bring that up, or else they’re just going to start “breaking rules” so that I’ll shove them in the dog crate (of which we have one that she would fit in, coincidentally, having just gone through puppy-dom with our Shibas a couple of years ago LOL)
Maybe I have a whole crazy-freaky-BDSM part of me just screaming to get out. I think I might have spied her a couple of times in the past few years