Originally Posted by tigrrrlily
I got into a hot fling with someone who had an honest 'don't ask don't tell' only-when -you're-out-of-town thing with his partner. I mean honest in that its an explicit agreement between them.
Anyone else had experience with this? Like, how to avoid having the practical arrangemens feel like cheating...
We live in different countries. He lives with his partner but both travel frequently. He might be back and I might still be available then or I might not, same I guess for him. The main practical thing during the time we were together was keeping separate social circles who know them as a couple from me, which wasn't very difficult although it made him cautious to meet my friends. Which made me feel a leeetle like sneaking, which made me feel uncomfortable, which led me to post here looking for others' experience...
So, this is someone who lives in another country, travels frequently, and there's the potential for very hot times if you have the opportunity to hook up again, which may or may not happen anytime soon. It's not just sex, you have a good rapport and really like this guy, and his story about DADT checks out well enough for you to trust him.
While in my own life I may not want to get into DADT situations, I don't really see anything wrong with this. It might not work well for a relationship with someone who lives near you and that is more frequent and ongoing, but the fact is that there is a very unpredictable quality here. I get the sense that you won't really know when you can see him again unless and until he lets you know he's got a trip coming up. It sounds like when he is in your country, he stays for a bit, because you mentioned socializing.
Question: doesn't the fact that you live in two different countries rather negate the possibility that you will run into anyone he knows when he is with you?
I think you seem to be handling it well, but you did mention that you don't want to feel like you're cheating or sneaking because that made you uncomfortable. I think that perhaps the only way to handle that is to deliberately change your perspective on the whole thing. By that I mean, you may need to accept that this is not a typical relationship where you can just invite him into your social circle and act like another boyfriend, and know that if it does continue, that is the parameters within which you must operate.
Now, you can have some fun with this. Instead of viewing this aspect as a deficit, make it a plus. You can consider your times with him as an escape, an oasis, a time to get away, a vacation from your normal everyday life. Or (and?) you can totally play up the secret mistress idea and use it as a kinky role to play. Don't place ordinary expectations on it, nor try to make your times with him fit too much into your daily life. This perspective could ease that sense of feeling that his DADT is hampering a "normal" relationship. Make it a delicious, hedonistic adventure. I think it could be a lot of fun.