Thread: Back and Forth
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Old 11-28-2011, 02:56 PM
hyperskeptic hyperskeptic is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 451

Originally Posted by vanille View Post
Before we came to Europe, he put us on hold because he couldn't handle the jealousy issues of me being with another man. His idea was that maybe he could get past those issues if he did it himself and could better understand the situation first. (Meaning, I had to wait to develop any interests in men on my own until he had sex with a girl).

If I let him have sex with someone out here, it may be that push he was looking for. He has already retracted some of what he said before, saying that he understands better already without even having slept with anyone ... but I feel like if he doesn't try something out here, we may be in the same limbo we were in when we left.
Sorry, but this makes me chuckle. It seems like the setup for an episode of a sitcom . . . something that can only end with amusing mayhem.

Of course, in reality, the mayhem could be anything but amusing.

Once I'm done chuckling, I can hear the alarm bells going off.

(The other thing that sets of alarm bells is his interest in the red-light district. A "fling" with a woman at work is one thing. Paying for sex is quite another. I can understand his being curious about "partaking" - a quaint little euphemism to hide the true nature of the thing, which is the reduction of sex to an economic transaction - but, if I were in your position, my partner "partaking" in the red-light district would give me the screaming heebie-jeebies. You are well within your rights to set a firm boundary in that direction.)

Originally Posted by vanille View Post
We both love each other and have a solid foundation. How long should we wait before jumping in? Is living in this limbo actually getting us anywhere? Or would it be better to take some baby steps (let him go out on a date with this girl) and work the the emotions of a real (versus hypothetical) situation?
Where are you trying to get to? And what's the hurry?

Baby steps seem about right.

Diving in and having sex with other people - as a "fling" or as a transaction - seems likely to prove disastrous . . . especially if you understand polyamory to be not primarily focused on sex.
the cake is a lie
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