Thread: Back and Forth
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Old 11-28-2011, 01:09 PM
hyperskeptic hyperskeptic is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
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Originally Posted by vanille View Post
We are in traveling in Europe right now. He goes to training all day for work .. and he's developed a "crush" on a girl there. This is the first time we've ever discussed something like a crush. He asks me how I feel and what I feel comfortable with him doing ...

I just don't understand how I can support the idea of polyamory, and even look forward to it for both of us - but for some reason have trouble accepting this. Just a few weeks ago, in the States, I was on board - he was the one who wanted to slow down. Now we have switched. And he is so enthusiastic and excited, that I can't stand to let him down. Part of me wants to be happy with him, be excited with him ... chat like best friends and disassociate myself from this relationship he is forming with this new girl.
Well, this is something more specific.

The bottom line is this: it's okay for you to feel differently about poly-in-practice than you do about poly-in-theory.

This isn't helped by the fact that you're overseas, away from your usual routines and support network. You are bound to feel more vulnerable than you otherwise would, in part because you are more vulnerable. I mean, can you even speak the language?

It seems to me you need to communicate that feeling of insecurity and vulnerability to your partner, not as a way of shutting down his interest in another woman, and not as a way of laying a guilt trip on him, but simply as an expression of what you need.

You are going through a double (at least!) upheaval, and need more reassurance than you otherwise might need. Go ahead and ask for it.

Originally Posted by vanille View Post
I honestly think most of it is a lack of self-confidence. I'm not physically where I want to be... and I know the kind of girls that he is attracted to... and it hurts to know that I can't measure up. So then I think, if I get in shape and look how I want ... then maybe I won't feel like second best? But why should he have to wait on me ... Aghhh
Wait. This is a body-building competition?

I don't know anything, really, about your partnership but, after 10 years, I would think it was based on something more than physical attraction. You have 10 years of shared experience, 10 years of working off the rough edges, 10 years of dealing with everyday practical stuff.

Sure, your partner may not have a crush on you, but a crush is just a kind of neurochemical addiction: he gets a little high from the thought of the possibility of intimacy with a particular woman, so he thinks of her a lot, sometimes to the exclusion of other things.

Crushes tend to run their course in 12-18 months after which either there is something more durable on which to base the relationship or there just is no relationship.

My point is, you and he are well beyond that point, now. Think about and talk with him about all the things that make your relationship work on its own terms.

And bear with him through the turmoil of having a crush, especially if his interest is not returned. It's not for nothing it's called a "crush". If it goes sour, he may need some comforting.
the cake is a lie
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