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Old 11-28-2011, 12:25 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 6,555

Hi ChloeJane, welcome to the board.

I appreciate your thorough responses so far, to the feedback you have received.

I want to understand more about the BDSM context here. I think that is one of the keys to the mistakes being made. It seems to me you are the Domme in this situation, with 2 subs, your husband and your gf. You're calling the shots, limiting their sexual contact, as well as your h's desire to talk to the gf outside of when you are all 3 together. You are allowing and encouraging your h, as your sub, to Top the gf in this situation, for your own bisexual pleasure, and that is a strict boundary so far. He may Top her, but he may not break your rules.

As others have said, more vanilla triads don't work this way successfully in the long run. To me, you come across as a bit patronizing to your h. You have said, a couple times, "I am proud of him," all his work on his psyche. I know in a D/s relationship, the Dom/me often has a somewhat parental attitude towards the sub. (But Doms are not perfect, and even though they may take the role of that during actual playtime, they need to be cognizant of that fact when the sexual frenzy is over.)

Even in a D/s situation, the 2 subs need to work out their own relationship. Just because you are Domme, does not mean they do not have a one on one relationship to work out between them. Two loving subs "conspiring," outside of the dungeon, to please their Miss can bring you more pleasure, not less, honey.

His tendency to break boundaries and do whatever he feels like despite the "rules," seems to be a source of your pride in him and at the same time, a source of worry, now, in an intense sexual relationship that is (unexpectedy) turning out to be an emotional one. (If you are experienced in poly, why should this have blindsided you so much?)

As far as him getting aroused for the gf despite a long sex/kink session that YOU thought should have been enough for him and her, it took you off guard. It's like you are saying, "*I* am satisfied, so they should be too! Wah!" However, your h was definitely NOT satisfied and got hard and tried to fuck her. Once again, you 2 are individuals, not a single unit, so if you agree to that in any way, why not honor it? If not now, soon.

However, if the dynamic is one where you are in control (and that is supposed to be part of the fun), you could "child-proof" the situation to prevent this happening in the future, if mere words and agreements just made to be broken are not enough. For example, if you simply slept in between them, he'd have to crawl over you to fuck the gf. Or one of them could sleep on the floor on your side of the bed. If even that is not enough, gf could sleep in a cage (literally); a large dog kennel is often used for slaves sleeping quarters. You could lock it and wear the key around your neck. (If even that is not enough (he sticks his dick in between the bars for a bj), she can sleep in another room until he fully submits to his role and behaves himself.

It's like you're saying, "Child, I've given you a toy this Xmas morning, but you may only play with it when I am awake/watching/playing with it with you, and if you don't do that, I will take the toy away and give it to the poor children," ....or something. He obviously wants to play with his toy in a different way than you do. He wants a chance to see how the toy reacts to just his playstyle, without your input. Personally, I don't blame him, but again, in a D/s context, if he agrees you are calling the shots, for his own good, fine, that's your agreement. However, if he's been abused in the past, your Dominance might be triggering for him, and he's reacting according to an old script. If you are in control, it is up to you to do everything you can to prevent this.
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62)
Pixi (poly, F, 40) my partner since January 2009
Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixi's Dom/bf since April 2013
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