So, I haven't written about this today, but my budding romance has been stifled.
I played pool with S last night and really enjoyed was enjoying the way things were going and then we decided to sit down and talk for a little while before we both go back to our homes.
I could go on and on about it, but in the end, it comes down to this: S started to question any long term implications of our relationship and what it could and could not (mostly could not) offer. While S is older than me... I don't honestly know how much older (i'm 32) she has just run her course with several different friends with benefits relationships and she's finding herself wondering if she's going to wind up alone. Furthermore, she told me her attraction to me was different than these flings as I was interested in some of the same things.
And while I'm not sure what the future would bring, and I'm fairly certain that I could eventually cohabitate with several people, I don't know that enough to even consider trying to elaborate that information to someone else.
In the end, S, though she's explored open marriages and what not before me and never saw them working for her, and she's looking for a serious relationship that could turn into a monogamous marriage and i have a feeling i might be a little of what she is looking for. And why that feels great, it isn't optimal.
While I do not begrudge her for this at all, I hate that this didn't work.
I started then to really consider why I decided to pursue this in the first place. S was very attractive, and I already felt some sort of pull toward her in my subconscious but I again, i didn't act on this b/c of attractive and sexual frustration out of this. However, this was not only apparent in myself but also this attraction was evident in my wife as well, as she suggested it. I found myself intellectually stimulated by her and she told me that the feeling was mutual.
What is cool about what went down: Our initial acquaintance has not been ruined, and I've opened up to her faster than I rarely do with anyone (mostly because I felt like I had a lot I was placing on the line), and now I really feel like I have someone I can hang out with a bit.
What is "the suck" about this: I'm not getting something that I realize I really want with her, which is a boundless romantic relationship and I could wind up just as frustrated (but not because of my own hesitations) because I still find her very attractive.
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