Originally Posted by SourGirl
Originally Posted by nycindie
The other rules I have about being involved with someone who has other relationships kind of hinge on how I approach being in relationship. Basically, I'm a solo person, which means I am independent, see all my romantic relationships as equally important, and do not use a "primary" and "secondary" hierarchy. I have no objection to someone I'm involved with seeing me as a "secondary," as long as I don't feel like I'm being treated like a secondary. I don't want to feel less important to him. I would consider my lovers co-primaries to me, so if I start to feel like my partner is not respecting the place I have in his life, that would be a sign of trouble, big trouble.
There is a valuable point there. Very good information. It is important to recognize the different desires for different folks.
I know for myself, I don`t want to be anyone`s primary, or co-primary, or loved the same as their spouse, etc. I don`t want 'equal' treatment or affection. ... We know a single woman close to us, that feels the same. She has never been 'used' as a unicorn. Her problems have been with people who wanted her to move in, share a home, etc. She ended two relationships because of this.
Thanks. I wonder if I was totally clear. Maybe I should point out that my
boundaries aren't really about receiving "fair and equal" treatment or affection, and I don't expect or hope to be "loved the same" as an existing partner. I've realized that my boundaries and what I want from relationships are not focused as much on specific actions or activities, but more on my feelings. They are my boundaries as a solo person, so I guess I gauge the health or success of my relationships by my emotional response to what happens within them.
So, it's hard to explain the way my brain has put this together, but it's not that I would want a guy to love me equally or treat me the same as he does his wife -- I'm a separate, distinct person after all -- but when we're alone together I want to feel like
I am very important to him. In the moments we have together, I am it. I want him to be present and not distracted, for the most part, and I want to feel respected and valued for the place I have in his life, whatever that may be. Outside of the moments we have together, it's his life and I wouldn't have any say about that, just as his partner wouldn't have a say about my time with him. Even if I see him as a co-primary (which I wouldn't, actually, because I don't subscribe to such a hierarchy), he can see me as a secondary but not treat me in a way that says I am not as important. I want to feel
that our moments together fulfill a very important place in his life. I want to be with someone who feels that engaging in multiple relationships is a responsibility to all the people he is with, and that if he sees me as a secondary, it should not mean that I am automatically set aside or dismissed when something else comes up with another partner who has "more" significance to him.
Maybe my boundaries are specific not only to my being solo, but also the fact that I want to remain single and aspire to have a few lovers with whom I would basically be the hinge or anchor (in a "W").