View Single Post
Old 11-28-2011, 12:40 AM
SourGirl's Avatar
SourGirl SourGirl is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: South of an Igloo, North of a Desert.
Posts: 883

Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
It seems to me that having boundaries that place the utmost importance on preserving the "sanctity" of a couple are basically preserving monogamy as superior over non-monogamy.
Non-monogamous and monogamish I see as accurate.
'Poly' ...maybe not. Hence I don`t label myself poly. I can only speak for myself though. "polyamory' means so many different things, to different people.

Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
The other rules I have about being involved with someone who has other relationships kind of hinge on how I approach being in relationship. Basically, I'm a solo person, which means I am independent, see all my romantic relationships as equally important, and do not use a "primary" and "secondary" hierarchy. I have no objection to someone I'm involved with seeing me as a "secondary," as long as I don't feel like I'm being treated like a secondary. I don't want to feel less important to him. I would consider my lovers co-primaries to me, so if I start to feel like my partner is not respecting the place I have in his life, that would be a sign of trouble, big trouble.
There is a valuable point there. Very good information. It is important to recognize the different desires for different folks.
I know for myself, I don`t want to be anyone`s primary, or co-primary, or loved the same as their spouse, etc. I don`t want 'equal' treatment or affection. I had a nice relationship once, where everything went well while I was '3rd' ,..but when he tried to move me up,..problems began. Nobody even asked me if I wanted that. I didn`t. I was happy with the place I had in his life at '3rd.' It took me a long time to find someone who understood this.

We know a single woman close to us, that feels the same. She has never been 'used' as a unicorn. Her problems have been with people who wanted her to move in, share a home, etc. She ended two relationships because of this.

She makes it clear that she likes a true friendship, but one day she wants the white picket fence, monogamous man, and the family.

So making sure everyone has the same outlook ahead of time, is a pretty core thing, many of us need to evaluate. ( Rather then trying to bash into each others heads 'the right way'. )
Then all those 'extra' boundaries might not be as necessary, if people are on the same page.
Reply With Quote