Thread: help?
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Old 11-05-2009, 10:53 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
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Originally Posted by CaptZebra View Post
I read the post before I posted this and after and again just now. I think it is very wise as are the comments people have left. I've been trying really hard to acknowledge my emotions (something I have historically avoided), to feel them, to breathe through my fear and anxiety... its easier, in the short term, to just stuff them down but usually comes 'round to bite me in the ass at a later date.

Part of my acknowledging is coming here and posting... which has been helpful.

I think mostly I am feeling afraid and insecure--I am comfortable with my life now, I don't want things to change. But I don't think that fear of change, or fear in general, is a great thing for me to be base my decisions on.

Being poly seemed/felt different before. We both had other relationships, we had our own apartments, we had separate jobs, and different social circles. But now, and for the last 5 years, it's just been us. We spend most of our time together as neither of us have traditional jobs, we live together, we pretty much have the same friends. So I guess, before, I didn't feel like I had as much to lose? That's not quite right... maybe I don't want my life disrupted or I'm afraid of being alone? Not sure that's right either, or some of all of it and more. I definitely have more thinking/feeling to do. And more talking to my partner to do.

My emotional self wants me to rush out and find a new partner for myself. I don't think this is the right thing to do and certainly would not be fair to another person. I seriously doubt it would do anything to ameliorate my distress and it would likely just make things even more complicated.
It was easy for me to figure out how to suggest that-because we're 7 weeks in to dealing with the same issues.
Maca is REALLY struggling to find himself because for so many years he's "stuffed" his emotions. He's lived on auto-pilot so to speak. It's WONDERFUL that he's doing this-and I'm so proud of him. But at the same time it's scary as well-for him AND ME. For him because of the same things you talk about-for me because in finding himself, what if he finds out I'm not "the one(or two) for him". I don't have an issue sharing him at all. But if he finds himself and figures out that marrying me was a mistake-THAT would destroy me emotionally (no suicides, I'd rebuild,but I don't WANT to).

It isn't an easy task to delve into oneself. I have so many things I HAVE dealt with. I'm not a "stuffer" really. I'll talk a problem I'm having to DEATH until I figure it out. If it means talking to every person I know 10 times about the same thing, so be it. BUT the other thing that is happening while Maca works on him and all these new aspects of him arrive in our relationship (yes arrive, because they weren't known to be there before) I find there are things in me that come up to deal with that I didn't KNOW existed, becuase HE hadn't ever been 'that way' so I never had a responding emotion.

Does that make sense?

My point behind all that blah blah was to let you know-DO search into yourself. It will really leave you feeling SO fulfilled and happy afterward, just KNOWING yourself. But also be understanding that as YOU work on you, your partner may need you to help her with understanding not only the new aspects of you that appear, but also her reactions, some of which she may not have known were going to happen either.

Greatest of luck!!
"Love As Thou Wilt"
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