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Old 11-27-2011, 05:34 PM
Amitrye Amitrye is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 17
Default My life right now.

I've been reading some of the blogs on here for a long time (particularly AnnabelMore's "Story of a Secondary), and I decided it might be therapeutic to discuss what I'm feeling on here. Some background on me before I get to present day~
I didn't really have a label for what I defined myself as for a very long time. Having dated males, females, cross-dressers, and non-gender defined people, I can definitely say no bias there, BUT I grew up in a Christian fundamentalist household where polyamory was a sin and homosexuality was a worse sin.
My first real relationship was with another girl, but it ended quickly because I felt guilty for "sinning" and too ashamed to tell my parents. They were suspicious anyways since I spent an inordinate amount of time at her house. She and I still talk and we are still good friends.
I have yet to come out to my parents in any sense about my sexuality. I know for a fact that they would disown me~ they're not exactly accepting of my cousin or my aunt. I'm not ashamed anymore, but I am afraid of the distance it would create. I'm also old enough to know that if I ever get in a relationship again that isn't hetero- the cat has to come out of the bag. I have put too many people through that secretive crap and I'm not going to toss anyone else's feelings under the bus for the sake of pretending things are the way my parents want them to be.
When I was 18, I entered into my first polyship. I had complete honesty from my boyfriend, and I found that with great communication it was something I enjoyed. The relationship ended badly, but I enjoyed it while it lasted.
While I was with said boyfriend, I tried to be poly myself. It didn't work. I thought about why I couldn't find that emotional connection with another person or why the idea of having sex with someone besides my SO turned me off. It had nothing to do with my religious upbringing (because that didn't stop me from loving a woman), and it had everything to do with me. I think I'm built for monogamy. Some people say that's not possible, but for some of us (like me) it is.
At the age of 25 I married someone who claimed to be monogamous. He knew my past history, but chose to cheat anyways. That was less than a year into our relationship, I'm 26 now. I posted about that in the introductions section, but I'll talk about it some more if anyone has questions. Needless to say, he and I are in the process of getting divorced.
I like being in a mono relationship, but not as much as I enjoy being in a mono-poly relationship (in which I am the mono and my partner is poly).
Here's why: 1) I am an overly emotional person. I mean, I can be a lot to handle. I find that my partners deal better with this when they have someone who can offer them peace and calm. It's hard to come home to a flurry of activity and tumultous emotions every day. 2) Barring a partner from a relationship they may want is silly. Just because I prefer to be mono doesn't mean they prefer it. As long as they still love me at the end of the day, I don't care what they do (for the most part). 3) I can feel love for any gender, so who am I to say that other people can't feel love for more than one person at a time?
Now that I am exiting a bad relationship, before I look for a new one I am redefining what I want from my next relationship. I don't have anyone in mind for that btw because I'm not ready yet. I do know this and feel strange admitting it: I am a mono person that would PREFER my partner to be poly. I guess that sounds strange or hypocritical of me to want them to be something I could never be, but there it is. I've tried looking for forums on that, but this is the closest thing I have found.
More to come later. Feel free to comment or ask questions, and thanks for providing a venting space for me.
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