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Old 11-27-2011, 09:27 AM
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rory rory is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Europe
Posts: 497

You don't need to feel guilty about what you want. We all have wants and needs, some of them come from rational and some from irrational places. Be patient and understanding towards yourself. Sometimes something you want may be unreasonable, and you can't have that, and yet it's not WRONG to feel like you want that, as long as you don't insist on having it.

Originally Posted by mcmctalk View Post
Part of my issue with 'T' is that he is quite demanding on GF's time. Perhaps without realizing it. He requests hotel / weekend getaways, comes up with numerous concerts and hiking dates. Somewhere in me feels that if he recognizes that she needs to cultivate her relationship with me as much (if not more) than with his, perhaps he'd be more thoughtful on proposing weekly getaways.
I understand this, but really, he is doing nothing wrong. Until now, he's been your girlfriend's very own friend, and then her very own secret lover. Right now it isn't really relevant to you what he wants, what she wants and does is relevant. He doesn't know you, and what he knows about your girlfriend's relationship with you comes from her. What he sees is that she is willing to disrespect you by cheating with him: if she doesn't respect you and your relationship, why should he when he doesn't even know you. He has no obligation to you, she does. Maybe that will change after you and T get to know each other (more on that later), but at the moment this is how it is.

Now then, at the bottom of it, the problem isn't that T is demanding on GF's time and requests hotel / weekend getaways, and comes up with numerous concerts and hiking dates. He likes her, why wouldn't he want to spend time with her. There's nothing wrong with him asking. And since he doesn't know you, he can have little consideration for your feelings, because in most cases he can't even know what they are. This is not about him, it is between you and her. GF is the person who has a relationship with you: she is responsible for taking your feelings into account. So, do you feel like they spend too much time together? When he asks her to go somewhere, does she always agree to that? What if you have plans? Have you and GF communicated about this? If there is something going on that makes you feel disrespected (what is it exactly?), there are two possibilities:

1) you haven't told your GF how you feel about that particular issue, or have told her but she didn't understand, so she doesn't know how her decisions affect you
2) she knows, but feels like what you ask for is unreasonable, but instead of communicating that to you and coming to an agreement together chooses to disrespect your wishes (or she has tried to tell you how she, in turn, feels, but you haven't understood her)

Can you see what I mean by saying that it's irrelevant what he does. It doesn't matter if he begs her to go to places, she still makes the decision of going, and has the responsibility for that decision. Both of you are responsible of communicating your feelings to each other and working on coming to an agreement.

I do think it would be beneficial for you and T to get to know each other better, since that can create mutual caring and respect between you two. Once you're there, you can expect him to care for your relationship with your GF, as well as their relationship.

Edit, wow, I hadn't read your latest post before writing that, but this is something very not cool on her part
Originally Posted by mcmctalk View Post
I actually love going camping with the GF. In fact, it was my goal this year to go as much as possible. Unfortunately, when GF got real hot with 'T', she spent all her available camping time with him.

We also ran into 2 incidents where I wanted to take her to a band I knew she'd like and a comedy she loves for Valentines. Both were ... for lack of better word, 'cock blocked' by 'T'.
I think again that you shouldn't focus on T here, but on the fact that your GF is being really insensitive towards you. I'm not surprised you feel bitter about her behaviour, I would be too. If you haven't, you should let your GF know how her decisions here have made you feel. She's probably all in NRE with him (which can make people act in inconsiderate ways, if they aren't careful) and after deciding to cheat she let go of other consideration of your feelings, too. But if she now wants to repair the damage, this kind of thing has to stop. It is not enough that she feels love for you both, she needs to act that way, as well. You might want to do a tag search for NRE and have her read something about it (either here or elsewhere) so both of you know what your (very likely) dealing with here in addition to all other stuff. NRE doesn't excuse any of her actions, mind you, rather I'm bringing it up so that you know it may be an additional challenge.

Last edited by rory; 11-27-2011 at 09:42 AM.
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