Originally Posted by FireChild
By your own admission you didnt investigate what went wrong. You just reiterated why your way was right. If anything you told him why he did what he did and why he needed to do things your way.
I did do a lot of investigating as to what went wrong, and there has been a lot of really positive communication over the past few days between my husband and I. I do KNOW why he did what he did - he told me himself, and all of our boundaries were ones that we had pre-agreed, and revisited together throughout this process.
Originally Posted by Anneintherain
it can be hard to negotiate quickly "forward" into less restrictive agreements when your partner isn't making you feel safe.
This resonates deeply with me - to me it's about being sure that basic respect and safety is there. If a renegotiation is needed, that's one thing - but pushing forward without addressing the core issues that created this situation in the first place is a dangerous way to run a relationship, IMHO.
So far, it looks like our boundaries ARE staying the same, with one small change. We choose one night out of a weekend that we are spending together to stay up as late as we want for an all night sex-fest to honour their insatiable NRE desires, the other night - preferably Sunday, we go to bed no later than 11:30, blueballs or not to allow for everyone to get up and have energy for their important and demanding lives on Monday. This night, there is to be no sex started up by anyone after we snuggle up. We have sex up to five times in a weekend, so nobody will be starving for sexual activity.
I think the best thing that has come out of all of this challenging around the very nature of our boundaries is that it has helped my husband and I to become FRIGHTFULLY clear of our boundaries. It has also helped me suss out some incredible people, and hear a lot of opinions!
I'm am going to start a thread encouraging people to share their current boundaries so that "noobs" can see what a variety of people have agreed upon in their own relationships. Each of us have unique boundaries in our relationships, some may have none, and there may have to be room for renegotiation down the road - but I believe that boundaries are an important part of any caring relationship - be it parental, professional, spousal, with lovers, in friendship, in life in general!