Originally Posted by dron
Is her pre-occupation with feeling "unfree" when we negotiate problems a larger issue? Is she right? Is outlining what one can and can't do during a timespan with someone intrusive?
I'm not sure if or when this came up in past discussions...may have been here, or another list or group...but there's been the suggestion that being poly does not
mean that you are available to date or have sex with anyone and everyone just because they're poly too. To me, your post & questions strike a similar chord.
Just because she's poly, doesn't mean she has to meet up with and have public fun at every opportunity. If your relationship is going to be based in communication & respect...and you have both
decided to make working on THAT
relationship the prority...than do so. If you need something from her...like abstaining from other lovers or certain activities while that process is going on, then ask for it
. It may or may not be immediately agreed to, but you'll need to negotiate something you can both live with.
IMHO the whole timeline thing is irrelivent. So what if it'll be 6 months before she gets to see this person again? Successully monogamous people can go years or decades without screwing other people who might be waiting in the wings.
I'm not clear on everything in your post...I get the impression that there's other factors at play which aren't apparent from outside. I suspect you'll have some work ahead of you to dig out the root of whatever's bothering the two of you and deal with it. In the meantime, as will be mentioned again...communicate. Identify what you need...and what you'd like...and let her know what those are.
Originally Posted by dron
Considering the agreement we made, when I say "Please promise me nothing will happen" and responds with "I feel unfree to be asked that," <-- is this her negating the agreement?
This is going to end up like the Fair vs. Equal discussion...I can feel it now! Of Course it's unfree
! That's why they're called Boundaries
! As has been said above... you have an agreement...and you are clarifying your expectations about what that means to you. I fail to see the problem.
In the end...as stated by Murphy's Rules of Technology...Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables the organism will do as it damn well pleases
. She is always free to do whatever she wants...she can stay in the bounds she's agreed to, or not. You can't control it. You can only tell her the bounds you need to feel safe... and she gets the responsibility
to stay within them...or not. And vice versa.
It's CLR!!! Look at how with removes rust from the showerhead in a single swipe! AMAZING!!!