So yeah, this isn't really a straight forward story so much as it is a musing that tells my story inside its musings, so bare with me please.
I will update it to tell more of our story.
Basic facts to know as you read this:
Me: a 28 year old bisexual female in a relationship with a 28 year old bi-curious man (polyfan).
Us: seeking a m-f-f-f quad.
Dear Bloggy and every one else:
Oh the feelings of loneliness and pain wherein I try to locate my fellow Lesbians or bisexual women in this highly sexualised intellectual microcosm that is higher education. Yes, there are plenty of bodacious babes strutting their overly fussy or ironically understated outfits on campus, but where and how does one find a bisexual woman inclined towards polyamory in this or my other social enclaves? Or, as I sighed to my loving partner (known in these parts as polyfan) while sprawling morosely in bed one night: why don't pretty girls like me? I'm really nice. And I'm not bad looking! (At which point my partner burst into laughter and told me I sounded exactly like he did as a 16 year old boy).
Since I've apparently decided to share my innermost thoughts with the entire wired world who cares to read them, I gotta tell you all, discovering myself as a Lesbian/ bisexual highly attracted to other women at the late age of 20 has not involved the multitude of scantily clad showers with other gorgeous women Hollywood has promised me. Hey, I'm down for that moment of recognition where my eyes meet with another woman's from across the room, and we both instantly know, just know, that we are both Lesbians interested in pursuing sexual escapades or a family life with each other, don't get me wrong, it just never seems to happen to me. (Other Lesbian friends, on the other hand, have actually had these moments in real life. Maybe someone forgot to give me the Lesbian manual?). No, sadly, I fail to notice even the most blatant flirting and/or invitations to threesomes that other women have occasionally passed my way.
Maybe heterosexism explains this phenomenon. I was raised very traditionally, and my internal working model of how relationships are structured goes somewhat like this: girl meets guy. Girl or guy have interest in each other. This mutual interest is socially confirmed to each other through the baffling and complicated social process known as "flirting". My boyfriend tells me that this involves smiles, heavily innuendo-based conversation, touching by the girl to the boy in non sexual areas such as the arm (or she may be overly huggy). Extra eye contact combined with a "knowing smile", or it may even entail the even more subtle social clues of "trying to ignore" what "everyone else knows is happening and no one wants to admit it.". (That's his favourite kind.)
If this has left anyone else baffled, you are not alone. Anyway, in my mind this mysterious phenomenon of "flirting" eventually culminates in one of the two asking the other out for coffee or dinner, and because of the flirting they both instantly "know" that this is no ordinary coffee or dinner, and they proceed to this date both knowing it is indeed a date. Kissing and other romantic forays may or may not follow that date, again elevating and confirming the sexual or romantic nature of the relationship.
As you can see from this account, the models society have given me to engage in finding a romantic partner do not translate well into the Lesbian polyamorous world. As a precursor to dating, one must know several things that are difficult for a polyamorous Lesbian in a relationship with a man to convey without explicitly stating them:
1. Even though I'm dating someone, I'm available!
2. Even though I'm dating a guy, I like women too!
3. Even though I'm a woman, I like to date other women too!
These three points aren't normally assumed. Ahhh, society. How your monogamous heterosexism kicks my ass.