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Old 11-26-2011, 11:18 PM
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ChloeJane ChloeJane is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Small Town, British Columbia
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mcmctalk View Post
Part of my issue with 'T' is that he is quite demanding on GF's time. Perhaps without realizing it. He requests hotel / weekend getaways, comes up with numerous concerts and hiking dates. Somewhere in me feels that if he recognizes that she needs to cultivate her relationship with me as much (if not more) than with his, perhaps he'd be more thoughtful on proposing weekly getaways.
I think this is a really valid point. I think it's totally important to allow the primary relationship the time/space to stay strong, and for both members of the primary relationship to make a conscious commitment to making dates and scheduling time. I think you're being really mature in your realization and needs here. Perhaps one of your boundaries can tackle this subject of scheduling, and maybe as a hat-tip to your "primary" status, you can have "first dibs" on the schedule so that you constantly have fun and exciting things to look forward to her? Do you also schedule concerts, hiking dates (maybe hiking's not your thing, but snowshoeing is) etc? Those things are pretty exciting and fun, and are also super bonding/restorative in a relationship. I read an article once saying that one of the most important qualities of couples that are the happiest/stay together the longest is to have a core value of continuing to create exciting activities together!

Quote:
Originally Posted by mcmctalk View Post
I find myself having the most difficult time after 9 pm. It will be a time we agree upon but I think for the time being, it seems to help me get over this uncontrollable jealous streak.
Given that you've been through a lot of trauma as of late, I think that your feelings of safety are pretty important. Sure, it could be seen as a little controlling, and others might think that it's unreasonable, but asking, negotiating, and being honest gives you a good starting point to work from, if nothing else. Maybe you could set a date up until which this boundary is to be respected to help you adjust in a lot of other areas (ie - we'll revisit this on January 15th, 2012) if she has reluctance there, so that you feel safe, but she knows that it's not necessarily permanent? Just a suggestion - I manage a lot of people, and it's something that I do with new schedules that staff aren't sure are going to work for them. Most of the time the schedule turns out to be fine, but once in awhile tweaks do need to be made with both sides ending up pretty close to the original change/being happy too!

Also, to answer RedPepper's (always welcome) derailment:

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
This is fascinating to me... sorry for the derailment here for a sec. Are you still with these people? Were they avoiding dealing with it all? How did you cope with all that!? I remember coming home from being with Mono and having to suck up my NRE but at least I felt as if I could break down and cry or something if I needed to. Those "rules" seem so controlled and manipulated to me, but at the same time, maybe sometimes a DADT policy is the best bet in order to carry on.
I really push your boundary button, eh? Those were the boundaries that we came up with that felt really safe for him, and I respected and accepted them entirely. He respected how much love I have to give, and found peace in sharing me (for a very straight-laced fella this was HUGE in itself) and we did a lot of communicating before he came up with his list (over a year's worth - he wasn't a fast mover, and I was fine with that). I didn't feel the need to push/force anything out of him, and had a lot of respect for him knowing himself well enough to ask for what he wanted, and being comfortable in those parameters. We had a couple of issues along the way, but we had good communication about them on the whole, so no, I don't feel that he was avoiding dealing with the situation - just found his comfort and happiness amongst it all. I worked with my psychologist and did a lot of self inventory to manage my own NRE, and channeled it really well back into my primary in the end. Each relationship is so different, each person is so different, and I think boundaries can be a way of ensuring that everyone in the relationship feels respected, loved, and taken care of on their terms. "Controlled and manipulated rules" (which I don't see them as being) are still rules, and if all parties communicate about them, consent to them and are happy with them, they are very workable (they were for us for quite a long time!) We ended up going our separate ways in the end, but I feel that we had a largely successful relationship! (Breaking up is never an indication of "failure" in my eyes, neither is staying together a "success").

I'm sure lots of people have rules that wouldn't work comfortably for you or I (I have a lot of really fun lingerie and enjoy wearing it, so mcmctalk's #2 would not be okay for me, for example....) but that's just me, and I totally respect mcmctalk's right and desire to ask for this, and hope that his partner is willing to agree to it to ensure his comfort. My fascination revolves around the communication, honesty, trust and willingness to make boundaries that work, revisit them if/when it's needed, and then once the framework is established - having tons of fun!!
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