Hi ChloeJane, I've been reading this thread with interest, and knowing that you came here for help around your husband's disrespect issue, it must be hard having everyone challenge your boundaries. These are caring people but sometimes it can feel harsh.
Originally Posted by ChloeJane
It’s a funny response to being able to have multiple partners/relationships for some people that I have seen before over the years; the only context/role modeling they have for seeing more than one person is affairs and/or cheating, so they’re not used to being able to talk about their desires, feelings and issues around both in a group/with more than one partner/at all in some cases.
I think you hit the nail on the head here. Even if your husband has poly experience, he's still living in a society where cheating is the model for multiple relationships. It may be that when you and he sat down and decided how your triad would function, some part of him did not feel comfortable asking for what he wanted. Or maybe what felt ok at the time has changed for him and he hasn't communicated that. I know for me, if I were falling in love with someone and I was told I could not text them or contact them without a third party's permission, I would find that really hard to bear. (Do you limit his contact with other friends and family, or just with her?) For whatever reason, he must have figured doing it behind your back was easier than talking to you about changing the rules. Hopefully in your more recent conversations, he has been able to tell you more honestly what he needs in order to have a functional relationship with this woman, if that's something you're ok with him pursuing. Maybe you and she are also getting to a point where you need one-on-one time to develop your relationship? It seems like the three of you are overdue for some conversations about how things are moving along, and what everyone wants. Make it super super clear to him how much it hurts when he agrees to one thing but does another, and that he should never agree to something he can't truly accept and abide by. And then, of course, don't make him agree to something he can't accept.
Sounds like you've found a wonderful woman, who is not willing to break your trust. I hope you work this out and have lots more fun together. A little more communication and it seems you've got something beyond the wildest dreams of most folks!