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Old 11-26-2011, 08:32 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Hey Chloe, thanks for your kind words about me and my situation.

This board is definitely a place where we do a lot of challenging, but the members can also be very supportive, often of the same person at once. Don't take it too much to heart.

I think the reaction you're getting comes from the fact that we've seen very few triads/vees here with strict boundaries/rules about how the third person can interact with one/both members of the couple in terms of communication/sex that weren't pretty damn dysfunctional (how many slashes can I fit into one sentence?). I'll admit, my reaction to your first post was very negative, though I did my best to stay objective. I was reminded of a number of other stories I've read here, most strongly of one particular young woman who was invited to be the "girlfriend" of a couple but was treated with a lot of really saddening disrespect. One of the facets of that situation was that the female half of the preexisting couple did all the communicating.

What made me come around completely to thinking that your situation is a healthy one was that:
- the boundaries are about very reasonable worries concerning your husband's tendency to deal horribly with NRE, not about trying to keep the third in a "safe" controlled position in relation to the two of you
- you're open to and embracing of the possibility of love and of the relationship becoming whatever it wants to be in time
- you see these boundaries as a starting place and are open to changing them as needs/comfort dictate
- you obviously respect your third and aren't engaging in the deeply problematic, controlling behaviors that some couples do, like demanding exclusivity before she's had a chance to form anything like a real partnership with you

I *do* have a prejudice against the whole "we can only be intimate when all three are present" thing, still. I think that one-on-one time is vital to any newly developing relationship and that to deny that is to deny the fact that we're all individuals who fit together in unique ways. I don't think you can really know some things about a person until you've bonded with them when no one else is around. Maybe I'm extra sensitive to this issue because it's hard for me to get one-on-one time with my gf right now and as much as I like her husband I miss that dearly and feel that it's something that's missing from our relationship. But if you've read my blog, you know that there are reasons for that. And, again, the fact that you see the current state of things as a for-now thing makes all the difference to me.

I also do think that everyone gets that your husband's boundary-breaking behavior is not ok -- some people have mentioned it, and it's very clear on other threads that we don't cotton to selfish, thoughtless overstepping here -- but people are choosing to focus instead on what they see as the bigger issue, which is the question of where the boundaries are coming from and whether they're helpful or harmful. That's what I did in my first couple of posts, anyway.

Maybe starting a blog in the blogs section would work well for you -- this section of the board and the general section are more for diagnosing problems, that section gets feedback that's usually less strong in tone, unless someone is obviously suffering or causing others to suffer. And I'd be interested to hear your ongoing story, at least. I'm very glad to hear that the conversations with your husband that the board has helped prompt have been so useful for you both.
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Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
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