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Old 11-26-2011, 07:37 PM
ChloeJane ChloeJane is offline
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Small Town, British Columbia
Posts: 45
Default Honesty, Communication, Respect and Trust.

Wow, a lot of challenging happens on this board, eh? Thanks for your observations and opinions, and for allowing me the opportunity to get clearer, both with you, and with my husband and girlfriend.

Our relationship is set up around honesty, respect, trust, having fun and great threeway sex, not around boundaries and rules, although there are two of those in place right now. I think maybe where our situation is getting misunderstood is that my problem lies in the lack of communication from any of the involved parties before those boundaries were violated. Doing something that you have promised that you wouldn’t and talking about it afterwards is much more damaging than talking about desires/feelings beforehand and allowing everyone the opportunity to respond and choose to shift boundaries is needed. By overriding our group’s boundaries, my husband put both ladies in an awkward situation to be sure. And yes, I am “driving the bus” in this, making me the “domme” for lack of a better term.

We talked about these boundaries in our threesome, and there was nothing accidental about him overriding them; we’ve had some pretty cool breakthroughs in our talks around his reasons for violating (I'm going to stop using the word pushing, as it doesn't fit the level of disrespect that was going on) boundaries and he has had some incredible aha moments about himself as well. I’m super proud of his ability to do self inventory and grow; he has expressed intense gratitude for my clarity and me challenging his bad habits. I definitely agree that him disrespecting the agreement IS an issue, and I’m glad that we’re addressing it, and seeing what it means to all of us through long talks and a deepening of understanding of ourselves and each other.

These are not new habits; my husband has struggled before in polyamory with dishonesty, miscommunication, boundary forcing and sneakiness. It’s a funny response to being able to have multiple partners/relationships for some people that I have seen before over the years; the only context/role modeling they have for seeing more than one person is affairs and/or cheating, so they’re not used to being able to talk about their desires, feelings and issues around both in a group/with more than one partner/at all in some cases. Even our lover/girlfriend went through this when she was encouraging an ex to engage in polyamory – he told her he didn’t want that, and then she found out that he had been cheating on her with numerous other women after their talk, which made it hurt even more, because he had betrayed her trust when he could have just told her and had what he wanted AND her/her trust/not hurting her. Has anyone else been through this, or are we just some kind of freaky on our own threesome that can see that more-more-more (sex, greediness, what one wants over what everyone in the relationship wants, deception, sneakiness) can actually result in less-less-less (trust, respect, honesty, communication, happiness, safety, and on and on). Can I get a hell-ya that some boundary pushing/forcing is just a form of dishonesty & selfishness?

I am not trying to keep a tight grip on what everyone is feeling, but don’t seem to be doing a very good job of explaining this somehow. We are all falling in love with each other; not exactly what we had set out to find, but the woman that we chose to open our marriage for hot sex with has turned out to be someone that both have strong feelings for, and vice versa. Fluidity, room for emotional relationships, and all of those things are unfolding at their own pace. There are a lot of conversations around that on all sides when we’re together, and through S and I when we’re apart (for the time being).

And trust me, I’ve got “other shit to do” too. (I’m not sure why I find that statement so intense, as I can see a smiley face afterwards – I guess I don’t take my husband’s bad behaviour as lightly). Having boundaries is a tiny part of a dynamic life, but it becomes a big part when they’re disrespected and violated. I don't have a lot of respect for deceit and selfishness in general.

I know people who have the boundary “no sex in our shared bed.” If you found out that your partner/lover WAS having sex with another partner in your bed would you a) feel silly for asking them to not sleep in the bed, and change your boundary right away b) be upset and want to talk about it and see why they were disrespected an agreed upon boundary and being deceitful?

It’s not so much about “holding onto boundaries” but making sure that whatever boundaries ARE set by the group and respected, and that changes to those boundaries happen at a pace that everyone is comfortable with. Relationships can be complex without being complicated and dramatic, and this only happens with good communication, and thinking about others at the same time as meeting your own needs. We are a month and a half into our new relationship; if we can’t have good communication, set boundaries, and respect them in the fledging stages of our relationship, then I’d say we’re heading into some dangerous territory.

Last edited by ChloeJane; 11-26-2011 at 08:20 PM.
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