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Old 11-26-2011, 05:03 PM
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rory rory is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Europe
Posts: 497

I think it's great you want to try and make things work and to rebuild trust between you two. You're doing well coming here for advice and communicating with her.

Originally Posted by mcmctalk View Post
I also came up with some boundaries that I felt would be important to me. I've list them out below, I feel quite selfish in some of these rules so perhaps fresh sets of eyes can help straighten me out if I'm asking unreasonable things.

1.) No public show of affection - i.e.. holding hands, hands on thigh, hugs from behind, cuddling. General "couple" behavior. She claims the relationship she has with him are of "friendship" type, I don't see the need to pretend to be boyfriend / girlfriend in public then.

2.) No lingeries. It somehow makes me feel special to have some ownership of this. He doesn't really care about lingeries so don't' think it's a big deal. Somehow it is for me... Some thing goes for Bed & Breakfast.

3.) Honesty, 'nouf said.

4.) Define the relationship with 'T'. Force T to think about what type of relationship this is. Where does he see this going in 6 months, a year, 5 years etc. All 3 of us need to see eye to eye and play our part accordingly.

5.) Be home on time.
Have you and her talked about these things yet? What does your GF think, does she feel these things are unreasonable? Do you have good communication going? When you write these are things you want to ask for, what excactly does ask mean? Is it still open for negotiation, or do you insist on the boundaries you want? If there is room for negotiation, does she know that, too? She was cheating, and probably feels guilty (for a reason), and that might make it hard for her to express an opinion if she feels some of the boundaries are too restrictive. But if she doesn't communicate her disagreement to you, there's a risk that she'll violate the boundaries. If she does that, she'll be totally responsible for that. However, by working together in your relationship to create an open environment for communication you can try and avoid that. Good luck!

In my opinion, number 3 is essential for obvious reasons. About 1 and 2: they are reasonable if all involved think so. What does she think? You're not unreasonable for asking, but she should also get an opinion (and so should he, at some point). If these things are important to her, but you feel strongly about them, maybe you could come to some sort of compromise for now, and revisit the situation after some time. Number 5: what does "on time" mean? If it stands for "at the time I tell you", it sounds too controlling. If it stands for "at the time we together agreed to", it's completely reasonable.

Number 4 sounds a bit confusing to me. What are your reasons behind this? It comes off a bit odd; like you want to make her force him to define their relationship more clearly. Why is that? Isn't it more relevant to you what it is your girlfriend wants from the relationship? If you do want his input, that might be something possibly better communicated between you and him directly. Which brings me to this issue:

Originally Posted by mcmctalk View Post
I met T once a long time ago, and then again when I showed up at his door. GF has always been very hesitant about having us meet. I've stressed that T should be converted to "friend of the relationship", instead of a foe. This is a concept she agrees to, but she doesn't know how to have these worlds collide, and honest, I'm not even sure if she wants to.
I think she's being a little possessive here. I don't think it would be wise to suddenly start hanging out as a group all the time, and there must still be alone-time for her to be with him. But I do think it would benefit you to get to know him a bit better, if it is your wish (and his).
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