Greetings. My name is -M- (I use the first letter of my name for privacy). I am 35 and I have been in a poly for about a year now and I have come to a crossroads in that relationship and I am unsure about which way to go.
To explain the details of this relationship could take a page or two but here is a reduced morsel. In 2007 I met -A- (My wife and mother of our son) in college and immediately fell in love. We started dating casually and had maintained a fairly open relationship over the course of that first year. We kept ourselves free to other people and had a few tries bringing in a second. Some were okay some horrible but close to the end of that first year we tended to spend more time working on us instead.
Over the course of the next 2 years we became very very close. In fact I cannot recall any other relationship that sparked my emotions like being with -A- did. In the middle of her senior year in college she became pregnant with our son, and despite what the general consensus says about women dropping out of school -A- finished out that year and graduated in the top percent of her class. Needless to say I was so very proud of her.
During the first year of our relationship I was introduced to a long time friend named -J- and a rather unexpected intimate encounter that night with my wife and here. Well it didn't go that well and it was really just about the awkward feeling of it We lost contact with -J- for a period of time but when -A- became pregnant and rekindled their relationship as -J- had also became pregnant with her boyfriend. They were only about a month apart in due dates and the father had since abandoned -J-. Since she had no one else she spent a lot of time with my wife and I. After my son and her daughter was born they spent even more time together and I also began to have feelings for -J-.
At one point they both approached me and asked what I thought about having a emotional and physical relationship with the two of them. Since being in an open relationship of the course of the years I was with my wife I was not in any way against this idea. This was started in late 2009 and from then until were we are right now almost 2 years later we are still doing it. I had also developed affection for -J-'s daughter which I began to raise as my own child and that has brought us very close.
So now I am raising two families together under one roof. It is a beautiful thing to watch grow. Despite these happy times over the course of late 2010 to now I was stuck in a really bad rut. I was starting to have problems dealing with stress and anger. Now this is not normal for me. I am a veteran with 12 years of service, so stress actually is the one thing that never got it's paws on me. Needless to say my actions have caused several volatile arguments which has caused my wife and -J- to become distant. Despite that anger and stress -J- and I still were doing okay. But I have totally alienated my wife from me. I was unable to recognize my actions and get control of them and -A- sadly became my emotional punching bag.
BUT I started seeing a counselor in September and gradually over the past few months we have fallen back in love with each other. Now during the month of November my wife and another close friend of hers involved themselves with a project called NANOWRIMO, which is National Novel Writing Month. During a write in at the library -A- met a guy and began a dialogue with him. Nothing physical, just friendship. Now with the exception of me my wife does not attach emotion to sex. For her sex is simply a pleasurable act, nothing more. But we do have that emotion connection with sex.
A few weeks ago my wife informed me that she had a sexual interest with this friend she had met during this project. Lets just say the discussions about this topic have not been very good. While I have always approved of an open relationship something has happened. I have become terrified about her and this interest with this friend. I had considered that one reason could be that I feel so terrible about the emotional stress I put my wife under that I have begun to panic now that it is clear she wants to sleep with this fellow.
Because I have found my true self again my wife and I have begun to have a beautifully explosive romance again. So in regards to this sexual attraction to this friend of hers my wife has assured me that it is nothing more than a "I want to shag this guy and nothing more" feeling. I know she is sincere and she has also made it very very clear to him that she does not want any kind of romantic relationship with him. Just a friend with benefits. \
Now I truly believe her, and because we have returned to the wonderful relationship we had before I have told her that I am okay with this sexual desire she has for said friend. But deep down I am terrified. I want so badly for her to have this, because it truly benefits our relationship. They have done nothing more than make out at this point because one of our long time rules was that we meet each others person of interest before any kind of intercourse is initiated. And because she has been able to make out with him on a few different occasions she has become explosively sexual with me.
But deep down that terror is there. I am afraid she will leave me. Afraid she will lose interest, or that I will suddenly take a back seat to any feelings she has for me. I know these are silly thoughts because she has assured me that my son and I are her one and only, and with this guy it is just sex.
I need advice. I am desperate to get rid of these feelings of fear. The sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. How can I eradicate these negative emotions?