Originally Posted by mekodesu
so the question is (and this may be more for secondary’s than primaries but all opinions welcome) has anyone else had this experience where they mesh amazingly with one but the other isnt as easy. And primaries have you felt third wheel at times with your secondary and other partner because of their relationship and/or that when the issue is brought up the solution is never quite completed?
also how did you handle that situation was it cut loss and run or try and work it through it.
yes, I have meshed better for different reasons to one over the others. My husband, PN is poly. Sometimes I talk about concepts with him expecting him to not get it, or argue a different point with me or throw up his arms and agree to disagree only to find that he knows exactly what I am talking about... whereas Mono doesn't get it. On the other hand, there is a lot that Mono does and understands lots that PN doesn't.
We used secondary/primary descriptions at one point and still do where it comes to responsibility to our child/property/family matters... but that is it. I think feeling a third wheel has nothing to do with secondary/primary relationships. A third wheel is a third wheel. A secondary partner shouldn't have to feel they should hold back or a primary step up in such cases. It is what it is and dealing with it without the confusion of labels makes more sense to me than confusing issues with descriptions such as primary and secondary. We were all equals in times where there is a struggle... and now we are just all equal... all individuals and all an entity unto ourselves.
PN sometimes is a bit of a third wheel I think in that he is an introvert who stays quiet sometimes and is in his own head. Mono is far more gregarious and can steel the spot light from PN. I think PN used to get frustrated with this, but like everything, there is usually a reason for frustration of this sort. Turned out he wasn't taking responsibility for his social life, keeping up with friends, finding new one, and taking on his presence at social gatherings. He holds his own when he engages to do so. It had nothing to do with his status in my life and everything to do with himself.
Mono tends to shrink in situations where he feels PN is not being represented as my husband. He takes a back seat to uphold our marriage and put it on a higher pedestal. BARF! I hate that shit.
No one to me has a rank. And certainly no one should be anything but themselves as far as I am concerned. I realize he is concerned and being respectful, but its the motive behind it. He is in the military though. He says he does better with a rank. I keep telling him that if that is what he wants then I am his chief and he has to cut that shit out
ya, it doesn't always work. He is really being himself it seems.