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Old 11-26-2011, 06:23 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
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Originally Posted by ChloeJane View Post
The last poly relationship that I was in with a monogamous man taught me a lot about taking care of two hearts/individuals. I swiftly learned that while I loved both people very much, my primary partner's wishes and needs had to be of the utmost importance to me in order for him to feel comfortable with something that was a very foreign concept to him (he had never even heard of polyamory before).

We had a lot of ground rules that we established TOGETHER:
1) I went and saw my secondary partner on weekends when my primary was out of town/had plans. If my primary partner's plans changed and he was going to be home, he had the right to "veto" my time and ask me to cancel plans with my secondary (he rarely if ever did this, but I think that was partly due to the fact that he knew he had the option to)

2) I was never allowed to bring my secondary to our house when he was home, and we were never allowed in "our bed" - only the spare bedroom.

3) He didn't want to know about most things. I respected that.

4) I was responsible for "coming down" from my weekends with my secondary by myself - I would usually take time to do yoga, meditate, have a bath, read, or journal and "get out" the last of my NRE for my secondary and be ready to bring my attention and energy back to my primary.

5) When I did need to talk about something that was happening with my secondary with my primary, I let him know that I needed to talk with him, and he let me know when he was ready (emotionally, mentally, etc) We'd then talk about proposed dates/scheduling (Valentine's Day, for example - or when my secondary's wife and him were having problems and I didn't know what to do)

6) They never met. He never wanted to meet him. He didn't want me to go into any kind of details about my life with my secondary ever, unless we were having a serious talk. I respected that.

Our rules worked for us. We talked a lot about our relationship, and established boundaries and rules/talked about opening up our relationship for almost a year before it actually happened.
This is fascinating to me... sorry for the derailment here for a sec. Are you still with these people? Were they avoiding dealing with it all? How did you cope with all that!? I remember coming home from being with Mono and having to suck up my NRE but at least I felt as if I could break down and cry or something if I needed to. Those "rules" seem so controlled and manipulated to me, but at the same time, maybe sometimes a DADT policy is the best bet in order to carry on.
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