Thanks again to everyone for your responses; it’s obvious that I have found a group of incredibly open and intelligent people who are used to navigating some hella tricky paths in polyamory.
Mono: I’ve been reading some of your postings – very cool. I can understand that a lot of people are on a quest for less boundaries/more openness, and that’s great if that’s what they’re after. I think that’s why I mentioned that the three of us are not striving for some kind of “ideal” in our relationship, but keeping core values in the lines of sight that will allow our triad to develop in healthy, respectful ways. There’s a big difference between discussing and changing boundaries rather than pushing them/judging them, in my humble opinion.
Kamala: Thanks for your reply, and your insight. I think that the awesome communication that we had a couple of nights ago, with added great communication last night, and the dinner conversations that we’ve intended to have with our lover on Sunday will allow us all to make sure we’re still on the same page.
AnnabelMore: S is very much our shared girlfriend. We have never had boundaries about love developing between the three of us, only around what kind of sexual interaction we have set out to engage in, and what kind of communication we would have between each other for the time being. All three of us are becoming more and more emotionally involved with each other, and I have no issues with love developing whatsoever; none of us are one-night-standers, or compartmentalize sex. I am proud of my husband’s loving nature that accompanies his sexual side, and very much enjoy/take pleasure in the way that he treats and behaves around S when we’re all together. I feel so strangely happy and proud when we go for a walk at the lake and all hold hands, or him and S walk ahead holding hands while I look on with admiration and happiness. I love his thoughtfulness when he buys a gift that he knows she’ll love and it inadvertently ties in with a gift I bought her (he bought her very nice scotch, I had bought her a decanter/glass set, for example.) His attentiveness to her life, asking about what’s happening, trying to find things that he’ll love for her to do, earnestly spoiling her – I love it all. I love the way that he looks at her when we’re making love, his total immersion in her beauty and sensuality. He loves to talk about her, and thinks about her a lot – she is so intelligent, beautiful, complex and fascinating as a human being. There is nothing in me that is threatened or upset about any of that – I foster it, and am happy about it.
S’s attraction to my husband is largely physical, and hers to me is largely cerebral. We are developing something pretty special; packages in the mail, romantic letters, txting, and my husband is extremely supportive of that – even encouraging me to go to the city and see her on my own. To date, I have declined that offer, as we haven’t shifted our boundaries in a way that I feel would make that acceptable. I have however told her that I love her, that I hear her name in my heartbeat, and that I feel fiercely protective of her. I only want her to have a wonderful experience with us, as we’re her first true and deep foray into polyamory.
I would feel a lot less respect for my husband if he were capable of having sex without emotion (no value judgement for those that love to have hot, consensual “meaningless” sex, just my preference) and look forward to our relationship growing richer on all fronts for as long as it unfolds. The words robot and prostitute/hooker do not apply here (again, very intense words to be using in a forum that seems to be centred around fostering communication and understanding!)
However! We did set up boundaries and rules to guide us into this third in our life. Our agreement was to have a shared experience of sex, the boundary was to not to just have independent sexual relationships from each other. I would never mind them having one on one sessions, as long as I was involved – standing off to the side holding hands is not real involvement – holding her to me and saying sweet/spicy things in her ear while we act as a threesome IS being involved. There have already been times when I’ve just wanted to watch, but voluntarily creating that situation is different than having it forced/foisted on you.
There are a lot of reasons behind our boundaries. My husband and I both have the tendency to lean towards Cowboy/Cowgirl behaviour (he was my secondary partner before…. Just sayin’) We got really clear about what we wanted in our lives from a third this time around, and were VERY clear about that in our on-line profile, upon meeting S (once it became clear that there was a connection, we thanked the other interested parties but declined meeting them based on a drama-free-desire) and in subsequent talks between all of us. There are no rules in place against falling in love, or expressing that love when we’re all together - only about when that is to be expressed (when we’re all together.)
That may change as our relationship unfolds, but having it pushed in the moment, or without talking about it is NOT healthy for any of the involved parties. Changing the rules/boundaries is 100% okay, when the time is right, not during moments of sexual selfishness. Also, as a sub, it creates stress for S to have to put up with instability from my husband - not conducive to totally relaxing and feeling secure!
My husband has openly admitted that he is a boundary pusher, asked for my forgiveness for his transgressions, and apologized to S for putting her in an awkward situation as well (forcing a sub to speak up for the group is uncomfortable for everyone!) I’m proud of his internal work; it’s hard for him, as he’s such a dominant personality who is very much used to doing what he wants (to his detriment at times, to be sure.) I didn’t anticipate that he would act so immaturely in the heat of the moment, or that he would allow sexual selfishness/more, more, more mentality to get in the way of trust and communication. It was a pretty big learning lesson for all of us. I do feel like our boundaries are a-okay at the moment, and a lot of that has to do with the challenges that were put on here.
Polyfuckery… that’s funny. I’d just be a happy slut if that were the case. We’re all WAY too complex and emotional for that, and swinging is not for us either.
Last edited by ChloeJane; 11-25-2011 at 08:04 PM.