Looking for advice / boundaries questions
So I'm new to poly in many ways. I'm in a 9 month relationship with someone who ID'd as poly before we met. She has seen several people while we have dated and I have seen none. So far, this has been fine because for the most part I wanted to take the time to really understand if I wanted to do so also and to clarify what I wanted, why and with who before just "jumping into it." This has been largely for my own health and for sensitivities to her.
It's been an interesting journey where I've overcome a lot of jealousies, clarified for myself a lot of what my desires are and aren't. And I've basically finally reached the point where I know I want to hookup with other people (not date per se, but that may come with time as well).
I've recently addressed this, that it's finally "time" for me, but it's a difficult moment as we're having our own intimacy issues. We agreed in the past week or so that we were going to hold off on all extra-relationship activities for now to focus on one another, and then when we re-open the conversation, we re-open it for both of us, not just for her to date outside. I'm relatively happy with this, excited to focus on ourselves, and excited for when we feel safe again to "re-open" things.
However, there's something that's come back that bothers me. Although we are not actively dating (and I have not done so at all yet) she does have contact with previous lovers still. I don't mind this. But here's the current scenario:
We are going to her home state for Thanksgiving week. One of her old lovers is there that she wants me to meet. She wants to go to dinner with them for a couple of hours while I see a movie and then we can all re-convene for drinks after. My knee-jerk jealousy made me want to protest, but I knew to relax about it. I have wanted to meet this person for a while now and have gotten over any jealousy and issue with this person in concept (which will probably be further re-enforced when I meet them).
Then I think I made the mistake of establishing "ground rules." The first was fine for her, which was simply be on time, don't keep me waiting further. I'm waiting for you, in a state that's not my own with nothing else to do. She was fine with this.
But then I brought up the question of intimacy. I don't care if they kiss, but my lady does have a penchant for public sex, and I don't want to meet up with them after they have a post-fucking glow as they "get it in" in their only opportunity while we're there. I noted to her this, and that we're at a place to "focus on each other" right now, and asked her if she thought we were already at the point to discuss re-opening things again, for both of us. However, on her side of things this is someone she will not see for a long time afterwards, that I'm generally don't have an issue with.
This creates several issues for us:
- "Telling her what she can't do" - she does have a bad impulse to want to do what she's told she can't, which I understand, but it can make negotiations highly difficult
- Hypocrisy - I love my darling, but she has it, and thankfully acknowledges it, but it's getting in the way here
- Stuck in a strange state - would bother me less if she had a visitor and I did my own thing, like our usual situation, or she was traveling without me
- She claims it didn't even cross her mind until I asked her to not do it, in which case it does become a situation of principle
So I guess my bigger question for anyone who could reply is regarding boundaries? If things were better sorted out, I think a part of me would be totally okay with having no say in what happens in those two hours.
Am I making our situation too conditional?
And if the idea doesn't <feel> disrespectful, am I secretly some chump and this is just objectively a bad situation?
Is it fair to ask her to wait when she may not see this person for 6 months?
Or was I even just too paranoid to begin with to bring up the intimacy question?
Am I focusing too closely on "fairness" for fairness sake?
Is her pre-occupation with feeling "unfree" when we negotiate problems a larger issue? Is she right? Is outlining what one can and can't do during a timespan with someone intrusive?
To what extent are we allowed to ask one another to promise things?
Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.