Thanks for your replies, and your questions as well – definitely helping us get closer to our own concrete answers, which is so helpful.
The motivation for our boundaries comes out of a desire to have clear definitions of what we’re all comfortable with, and want from a triad. I would never say that any boundaries are permanent, and would definitely say that we’re all very comfortable with the lifestyle. At present, we are not working to remove these boundaries; they’ve been set for clear reasons, and the issues that have come up to me are respect and trust. “Are these boundaries working for us?” gets replied to as, “You should never have to compromise your comfort for selfishness.” I think that boundaries provide a framework for people’s trust and comfort to unfold at a reasonable pace; there is no invisible ideal that we’re working towards other than mutual respect and great sex.
I have new questions for the group based on this discussion, as it seems like there are a lot of value judgements around boundaries, but not as much around breaking them. The assumption seems to be that boundaries hurt, instead of help foster good relationships. I think it’s easy to get swept up in NRE, and the sexual headiness of new partners and relationships – in our collective eyes, boundaries are a framework to respect each individual’s feelings and comfort zones, especially in the beginnings of a new relationship.
My husband put it beautifully when he referred to it as the classics “Hand in the Cookie Jar” problem; we have a fantastic dynamic going, it’s working for everyone, bur for some people, part of the fun of a cookie jar is stealing one. And isn’t part of the fun of stealing knowing that you could get caught? I am someone who keeps things really clearly defined in life; he is a much more emotionally blurry and fiery person. One of his areas of great respect for me is my ability to challenge his selfishness and ask him the tough questions And I do see the core issue here of being one of selfishness; our lover is a sub through and through, so I hold my husband responsible for pushing our collective boundaries.
I guess my questions are this: Is there something wrong with only engaging in threesome sex? Is there something wrong with having boundaries that we are to play together, or not at all? Is there something wrong with having patience and allowing that tension to build until the next morning? I ask this not because I think that there is something wrong, but because I’m feeling like the vast majority of people that have answered my post are making value judgements about it. I don’t say this out of defensiveness, but total curiousity. To me, the problem is that boundaries are being pushed and tested beyond an area of comfort, and I’m kind of surprised that the reactions are that the problems are the boundaries when our relationship is so new (around a month and a half).
It just seems strange; like the violation and disrespect of our collective agreements isn’t the problem, but rather the agreement is the problem. It seems strange that fostering sexual energy is considered more important than fostering good communication. Are they supposed to lie there and dream about it? Why not? Isn’t that delicious in its own right? And IF and WHEN those boundaries need to be changed, shouldn’t it be at a time when everyone is involved cerebrally, and not during moments of sexual selfishness?