I am new here to the forum and also to polyamory and I thought I would just say hello and introduce myself. I am still exploring a lot of the requisite threads (I try to maintain good forum etiquette, promise!)
I have been intrigued (albeit vaguely) at a distance at the concept of polyamory for some time now.
I have been in a monogamous relationship with my fiance for 4 years. We have been and still are very happy with each other. In fact, I pinch myself from time to time because its definitely a different relationship from some with others. After about a year of being with each other, I knew that I trusted him more than any other human being. I consider my orientation to be bi-sexual although my interactions with women have been somewhat few and far between. My fiance knew all along that I liked women as well, but it was never much more than a passing conversation topic because I have never really aggressively sought attention (or sustained relationships) from women. We have talked over the years of the idea of having a threesome or him watching me have sex with a woman, etc. We had one experience involving a one-off with a couple...but other than that any talk about opening up our relationship in any form was mainly a fantasy.
We have made a few online profiles, gone to an adult oriented party (OMG, with frightening results) and all along I just felt like I was going about the whole thing the wrong way.My fiance is extremely happy go lucky and is definitely not the one driving the bus (when it comes to initiating any of these things) so after a while I just kind of gave up on the idea of...anything happening, really.
I have recently become closer friends with two female acquaintances. They are best friends with one another (we belong to a big mutual friend group). They are both openly bi-sexual and I made the (correct) assumption that they had, at least at one time, had a sexual relationship with each other. I honestly was just happy to have some new girlfriends to hang out with (platonic) and just assumed that they had something going on with each other anyways.
A few months ago, I made plans with one of them to have a wine night. We will call her Red. I had known her in passing for a few years. Red and I proceed to have a great time together. We got pretty drunk and the conversation went from talking to flirting with each other blatantly. I even told her she could stay over since she'd been drinking
, she took a taxi. I was so freaked out by how blatantly I had been hitting on her in the morning that I assumed I had freaked her out and basically avoided her. Shortly after our wine night, she also broke up with the guy that she had been seeing and seemed to be having a hard time with the breakup. I started hanging out with her other friend who we will call Goldie. Both girls are great company as friends, I just felt much safer and friend-vibe with Goldie...so her and I started hanging out quite a bit.
Meanwhile, my fiance had noticed that I was hanging out with these two a lot more often and made a few cheeky comments about how I had all these new "girlfriends" that had crushes on me. I had (and continue to be) up-front with him and had told him all about my blatant flirting with Red. He just gave me the thumbs up
Halloween weekend we had a party. Red and I had limited our interactions during this month or so of time to the occasional cup of coffee at our local hang out spot...and a few instances of drunk/embarassing flirting text messages (ex: Your boobs are so hot
). I wasn't intentionally avoiding her...but something was keeping me away because I just didn't know what the heck to do!
At the party with plenty of liquid courage, Red asked me to come with her and talk about things. She was confused about my hot and cold behavior. She asked me if I had something going on romantically with Goldie because we hung out so much lately. I had wondered the same thing about her and she told me that they were just good friends who had slept with each other a handful of times over the years. I apologized for all the drunk terrible flirting, she also apologized for the same thing. We came clean that we were both attracted to each other and that we'd each misinterpreted our respective relationships with Goldie. Then there was the elephant in the room, my fiance. I asked her if she was attracted to him...she said that she did find him attractive, although she was definitely more attracted to me. She has had threesomes with lukewarm success in the past. She was very worried that my fiance would be mad or jealous and she wanted (still does) to be respectful of our relationship. I didn't get any weird feelings about her being attracted to my fiance, because I think I could tell that her intentions are good...so we had this long conversation trying to suss out what to do...It was progress that we were even talking about everything. Then we had a super hot make out session
. We established the fact that we were definitely sexually attracted to each other and she confessed that during our initial wine night she took a taxi home because she really wanted to stay over...but didn't want to ruin things by doing that right away.
When we got home I started to talk to my fiance, I told him everything that happened (we really don't hide things from each other). I told him that we weren't sure what to do...the idea of a threesome did come up, and Red did want/understand his want to be involved but wasn't sure if she was comfortable with it. My fiance told me that if we wanted to proceed with things...even if he could watch us he would be happy for the fresh bank material!
Red and I started to hang out a lot more (platonic cooking dates with some non-platonic splashed in), everything between us was out on the table and it felt really good. At around this time I found this forum and lurked a bit. I caught up on the NRE concept, and yeah, I totally get that! However, my fiance was being so supportive of me...and I really believe that this isn't developing over issues that him and I are having with each other...so even though I was becoming smitten for Red, I have also not lost sight with my primary relationship with him (which is honestly good). Just the idea that I might have something going on with Red had drastically spiced up an already good sex life! NRE punched me in the face though and I think that a lot of it has to do with the fact that I have never fully allowed myself to acknowledge my bi-sexuality. I've sought men always, safer and easier. Women confuse me and although I have pined for them sexually, I have never had a real romantic bond with one. I also confided in my fiance about this and...I can't stress enough how extremely understanding and supportive he has been.
Then, Red's ex boyfriend kind of resurfaced. She thought she was over him (he worked out of town, away a lot etc) but it turned out that he just wanted to date someone else, and she found out. She was really upset and so she wanted to hang out with me. I didn't realize how upset she was and so I tried to talk to her about our own ambiguous situation and she withdrew from me and left my house. I felt terrible for being insensitive...but it occurred to me that our fledgling relationship was having a profound effect on me, and maybe it wasn't fully reciprocated. I got really upset and confused...and then got more upset and confused about how upset and confused I was! Wasn't this supposed to be a fun one-off sexual thing? Why was I soo rattled?
In fact, my fiance came home to me crying and eating cookies. I confessed to him that I obviously had more feelings developing for Red than just sexual and that I went out on a limb and possibly got burned. I also said that I felt guilty that I was crying about someone to my future husband about a girl that I had a crush on...seemed a little weird and I expected that he would be a little upset. He wasn't upset! He told me it would probably blow over soon with her and I and that he understood that again, I hadn't planned to feel the way I was feeling. He also mentioned, pretty accurately, that this seemed like something almost completely about her and I...and that he maybe even was a source for her misgivings. He reiterated that he trusted me, knows I am not running off with a woman and that he encouraged me to figure this out even if it meant leaving him out of it. I didn't know how he was going to fit in...but he's my partner so I didn't fully like the idea of a completely separate relationship.
It did blow over and she was just feeling sad over her ex boyfriend. We cooled off for a few days before talking and in that time I also focused on getting a grip on myself. Red apologized, I apologized and ever since then things have been pretty amazing. We have a friendship with...something else. I know my feelings are reciprocated, although I think she is still guarding intentionally. No labels right now. Last weekend there were another slew of parties...and her, myself and my fiance had a great night of dancing and kissing each other. Her and I had a pretty clumsy hookup in the bathroom (I think we were frustrated or something!) and we have both joked that we really need to give that a better shot. We are definitely becoming the talk of our friend crew (none of us really give a shit though). We haven't had a threesome but we really are kind of taking things really slow and seeing how they progress. Red is single, young...and I really don't expect a monogamy commitment from her. There are one or two guys that she sees casually and it makes her happy. I know that I am gaining a strong emotional bond with her as a friend but also as something more...and its only so far positively affected my communication (and SEX!) with my fiance.
So that's my long long story and introduction. Comments and everything else are welcomed from everyone!