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Old 11-25-2011, 07:22 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by Claud26 View Post
your post really made me certain that this is the next step in my relationship with my 'boyfriend'
he is very emotionally challenged as i like to call it and a commitment phoebe.
He as always said that i'm a great girl and didn't want to hold me back from finding someone wonderful who could give me all the things i deserved.

SO 2 weeks ago i told him that i needed more from him, that i wanted him to be my boyfriend, not in the traditional sense, but i needed to know that he felt that way too. He said he felt like I needed something more stable and he didn't want to hurt me and he cared for me deeply.
he doesn't want to let me go.
he wants to continue seeing me. he says he cant imagine not having me in his life and I know he is really struggling with being in a committed relationship.
I think it would be useful for the two of you to talk about what you each mean by "commitment."

It's worth finding out if his fear is that you will chain him up and tell him he can't look at other women, that's very different from a fear that you will make demands on his time and energy and emotions and that he won't be able to live up to your expectations.

If his fear is that you will make demands of him that he does not feel capable of providing, then polyamory will not resolve those fears.

If he is emotionally challenged, then a fear of failing you is very realistic. Honestly, some people just can't handle emotional relationships. If that is how he feels, then saying you need more from him basically proves what he already fears: he's not even in a relationship with you, and he's already a disappointment and not living up to your expectations...

At which point, you need to look inside and re-evaluate your expectations and needs. Do you need "him" to be more to you, or is it a human need for a close, intimate relationship with another person? Is it possible that pursuing polyamory would allow you to keep this relationship with him in whatever capacity he's emotionally able to maintain, while also seeking out this "something more" that you feel a need for?
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
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