It isn't a good sign that your husband kept giving you lip service about complying and went ahead and did what he wanted anyway, but maybe he thought that since you were sleeping in the same bed, it still counted as you being there. As farfetched as it may seem to you, many times we think people understand what we want and that they heard what we said, only to discover they interpreted it differently in their own minds.
It also sounds like he is not comfortable with your boundaries (which do seem quite unrealistic) or they just do not work well for him, but he is perhaps afraid to ask for some renegotiation. I am not excusing what he did, but I can see why he would be hesitant to speak up. You want to call all the shots and be in charge of both his and her desires and activities. Reality appears to be proving that your ideas about what is acceptable may not be satisfying to anyone but you and your need to be in control.
From what you wrote, it seems like she is respectful of your wishes, but is kind of in the middle with no say about what she wants. She's sort of trying to make both of you happy, while he is doing what he thinks threesomes are all about -- you're all in bed together after a nice night of fucking but he's got another hard-on, you're asleep and she's responsive, so why not enjoy the person who is there and not have to worry about waking you up and getting permission first?
If you must insist that you only have sex when all three of you are present (and awake), why not experiment in being a little more lenient? Perhaps you can just watch them a few times, or just hold her hand and stay connected in some way while they fuck, if your body isn't feeling like participating. You can be included in the sexual dynamic without taking part in every single physical act.
To me, your rule about him and her not contacting each other directly is rather controlling and appears to indicate a big fear on your part, of losing control. It's okay for him to put his dick in her but not send her a text? Can you see how that logic may not make much sense? From my perspective as a single woman, I just figure I should be able to communicate directly with anyone who sticks his dick in me, whether he's married or not. Otherwise, I'd feel like a hooker having someone setting me up with a john. It will get old to her pretty quickly to be used that way, I am sure.
Do you not trust your husband, or her, or either of them enough to allow for some conversation outside of when you are all together in the bedroom? Surely, if they want to get together they would come to you for scheduling. What are you afraid of if they meet together without you? I pose these questions so you can ask them of yourself and examine why it is these fears or insecurities have prompted you to impose such heavy-handed and unrealistic rules on the situation.
In addition, you say you want it to be only a Two Plus One situation. Time and time again, we have read posts here from couples, and the women they play with, who have found out that such an approach is not only difficult, but rather disrespectful of all the individuals involved. The fact is you and your husband may be married but you are also two individual, autonomous human beings. Interacting with someone as if you as a couple is one entity is just a falsity, because you aren't one entity; you are two people who happen to be married and in partnership with each other. Your libidos and wishes are not always going to be the same, and totally synchronized with each other. The woman you found to be with is an individual with her own rights, wants, needs, and desires. She is not an appendage nor a toy, and neither is your husband a robot who can turn his desire on and off to make sure you aren't offended.
The reality is that you are NOT Two Plus One, you are all One Plus One Plus One. The way you want your threesomes to play out is in a manner that most people would object to. If you truly want this to evolve into meaningful poly relationships among the three of you, perhaps you can loosen up some of your boundaries and learn to trust a little more. Most people act in a trustworthy manner when they know they are trusted, and are not held back by such a tight leash. But they will rebel when they feel they are not trusted. However, he needs to step up and take responsibility for disregarding your wishes, at least by explaining what his thought process was. And he should be able to ask for some shifts in the boundaries if they are not to his liking, before pushing past them, and without being afraid of upsetting you.
Whatever you do, it will be important for all THREE of you to sit down and discuss what each of you are comfortable with, so you can negotiate and agree on boundaries together. Then make plans to revisit the discussion in a few months to see how everyone is doing. When you mentioned talking things over, it sounds like you only talked with your husband and left her out of it. And then she's just supposed to accept whatever you decide. That is just plain not nice, and disrespectful of her. I wish you well as you move forward.
The world opens up... when you do.
Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Last edited by nycindie; 11-24-2011 at 07:41 AM.