Thread: So lost.
View Single Post
Old 11-23-2011, 07:57 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

Just remember, it's not a race.

You two have just started your poly journey. So, just because you are both now open to additional relationships doesn't mean: "We both must find someone now! At the same time! What she gets, I get!"

I know a guy who didn't find a girlfriend until two years after his wife found her boyfriend. That afforded him lots of time to adjust to polyamory. Generally women will have an easier time finding potential partners than men will. Both of you do not need to both find people to be in relationship with at the same time to keep up or be "equal" with each other. Though I do understand the impatience, it may be better for you both to allow for some adjustment after one of you finds an additional partner, and let the changes in your dynamic sink in before barreling into additional relationships with both guns blazing. Why? Because poly is new to you and just one of you finding an additional partner will change the dynamic between the two of you right away. Imagine having two additional partners from the get-go. There will be NRE to handle, unexpected emotions, and working out schedules, and who knows what else will come up.

Take each small step slowly. Ease into it and don't worry about trying to get past your awkwardness sooner than you're really ready for just because your wife is having a response from other guys right away. That doesn't matter. You are two unique individuals and have your own pace, energies, and needs. The right relationships will happen in their own time, when things fall into place the way they should. Really! You can't force these things. It could be several months before you meet a woman open to being with a married poly guy.

Also consider how crappy it would feel to a potential girlfriend if she senses that you're only interested in her to keep up with your wife in having a certain number of lovers. Ick. I know, for myself, I want to be with a guy who wants to be with me because he enjoys my company, is totally turned on by being around me, wants to see me again, and is interested in getting to know me better. I don't want to be someone's prize. So, if you meet a woman you're interested in, try to let go of any franticness you may be feeling to keep pace with your wife, and then just talk to her like she's a human being (we are, you know). Be patient. If you are basically a happy person, you will attract all kinds of wonderful people and opportunities to you.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 11-23-2011 at 08:00 PM.
Reply With Quote