@schrodingerscat: nice to hear from you too!
In other words, it forces them to shift their focus from "I'm mad because my wife won't let me ____." to "I don't want my wife to be sad so I will choose not to do ____."
i was just trying to explain this to him! that his going out for that drink led to me being about 10 times LESS interested in having sex with him! and i wasn't trying to control him (or lay a guilt trip on him after the fact) but let him know how i might be (was) impacted.
Another thing for you to ponder: do have even the slightest desire to ever have a threesome?
well, this is one big reason why i've asked for a pause, so that i'm not just rushing into pleasure-seeking, appeasing behaviors that i might not be doing equally for myself. and to be honest, i'm just not sure! i'm not inclined to label myself, but i'm at least hetero-flexible if not fully bi, so the prospect of exploring my sexual desires for women is pretty enticing. and i like the idea of being GGG (a la dan savage) and helping my husband to fulfill his biggest fantasy in a way that could be a real turn-on for me to.
on the other hand i feel inhibited--which could be good to work through, but not necessarily easy, and i've got other not easy things i'm prioritizing. and i feel like it could be complicated, and i don't want to complicate our relationship even more right now.
it's really too bad he didn't have the guts to TALK to me honestly, openly, about his desires--more than just a little joking hint here and there--before all this. because even if i would have been a little freaked out, if he had let me know that he felt like his only alternative was to cheat i would have taken him seriously. i always said that i hoped we could talk about things before problems built up or one of us went behind the other's back...
another thing is that i've never fantasized about threesomes or group sex on my own (even though i've long known of the possibilities). i've always been more one-to-one. and even if it does end up being something that i can get worked up about (in a good way) i don't think it's something that i'd ask for, for myself, in this phase of my life.
and then again if the circumstances were right and i had a glass of wine i might let loose and really enjoy myself...
i don't know. i feel myself using some circular logic, which isn't really helpful.
his focus on threesome and opening up the relationship in general feels in many ways like a distraction to dealing with whatever issues led to the cheating. also, his cheating was never about fulfilling his threesome fantasy--meaning, if i was unwilling to fulfill that fantasy so he felt that the only way for him to get it was to look elsewhere, then it would be somehow more relevant to focusing on having a threesome together now as a way of not cheating in the future.
his cheating was clearly about something else--just opportunistically fucking around, or perhaps some other unacknowledged relationship issues.