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Old 11-23-2011, 03:16 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I am sorry that it has gotten to this point. I know firsthand that divorce is a difficult thing to go through, but it does sound like it could be a healthy choice for you both, since there was so much dissatisfaction. It doesn't mean either of you are bad people if you find out after a few years that you're really not as compatible as you thought. Hang in there, take good care of yourself, and do check in here now and then, whether you choose to live polyamorously after the divorce or not.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CheesyLady View Post
Mr. C had made a request that we work on ourselves first until we were solid and I keep the feelings for my co-worker from growing during that time.

I learned something amazing. When I decided to do that, I could. I wasn't sure I'd be able to, but I did. Sadly, within a couple of weeks and after an amazing anniversary weekend, things seemed to return to where they were before all of the poly discussions. Things hadn't really changed or gotten better. Even just being friends with my co-worker still bothered Mr. C.

... So then I went to the counselor by myself. She asks, "Will you stay married if poly isn't part of it?" No, not if it meant going back to where we were before. I couldn't get the courage to say that to Mr. C and it deeply bothered him that I couldn't answer that question for him. While I thought about it, he played Wii or worked in the basement and didn't really talk to with me too much about anything. I'd ask him what was on his mind and he wouldn't say anything.

... I was printing out the directions to the funeral home when he comes in and says he wants a divorce. ... we went down and filed that day. You can guess I finally had the courage to say no after getting terrible sleep all week. ... I woke up thinking that my sub-conscious had conjured up this whole poly thing to get myself out of the relationship, but as time has gone by, I still feel it's something I'd like to pursue should the right person/people come along.

Looking in from the outside I can see many signs we had a very unhealthy relationship for a long time.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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