View Single Post
  #7  
Old 11-23-2011, 02:59 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 8,004
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by mcmctalk View Post
It seems to me, on the surface, compersion is an ideal situation to eliminate jealousy. I have hard time getting the underlying mechanic on how exactly one gets themselves to this place to see other happy while feeling like something has been taken away from you.
I have two points to respond with to this: first, you seem to believe that feeling compersion "eliminates" jealousy, as if being in a poly relationship means you must never feel jealous, or that it is more evolved not to feel jealous. But human beings are multifaceted. Some people are naturally less inclined to be jealous, others have to get past a huge amount of conditioning and insecurities to alleviate the jealousy they feel. One could be living polyamorously and experience both moments of total compersion and moments of all-consuming jealousy, and every shade of the rainbow in between -- and it doesn't mean they are not "doing poly right" for whatever they're feeling.

Generally, jealous is a cover for other, underlying difficult feelings. It's so much easier to focus on the jealousy than it is to feel inadequate, abandoned, a fear of loss of control, or other uncomfortable emotions.

Second, you say that you can't quite understand how one can feel compersion when there's the feeling of having something taken from you. I am going to guess that you're looking at it from the perspective of someone who is in a previously mono relationship that is newly "opened up." Perhaps you feel like something has been taken from you, which could indicate a fair amount of possessiveness, but not everyone else who embarks on poly feels that way. A few examples: some people may feel like they're taking something from someone, some feel a sense of relief, others exhilaration, and others fear something but are not sure what or why they are afraid. Some folks don't feel any kind of ownership over their partners and get on board with compersion right away. So, don't assume that the sense of emptiness from having something taken away is the thing that everyone must grapple with to reach compersion. It could be very difficult, or it could be surprisingly easy if someone can tap into a sense of wanting their partner to feel free and happy, despite any sense they may have of feeling like they're "getting less."

Quote:
Originally Posted by cheryl View Post
Is there anyone who thinks they sincerely feel compersion? Did you always feel that way or was there a transition from jealousy to "I'm okay, if I don't think about it too much" to acceptance, to feeling genuinely happy that your significant other has this other person that loves them and makes them happy? What changed? Could you still feel that way if you didn't have other relationships as well, or is it harder in a vee?
I think when a person can look at their lover without any thoughts of "what am I getting out of this?" it is easier to be happy for their happiness and feel compersion. If we always choose to focus on ourselves, and what we are getting or not getting, compersion is probably impossible. So, I think it takes admitting to a bit of self-centered concerns and examining them closely and with some compassion, for ourselves as well as those we love, to get past whatever feelings stand in the way of feeling compersion.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 11-23-2011 at 05:38 AM.
Reply With Quote