Thread: Postmortem
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Old 11-22-2011, 10:55 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 2,154
Default touch deprived

I've been trying to get more touch in my life. I have great friends who will hug me and vice versa but that is not enough. I need a fair bit of touch from loved ones to keep myself feeling good. I can handle not being touched - I would say most of my life I have not gotten enough touch - but I am really feeling it now with Beloved gone and SW and I no longer lovers.

It helps when Oil Man and as-yet-unnicknamed guy visit. Sex does help fill up my touch tank. But I don't see them very much, about every few months.

I was still touch deprived when SW and I were involved but since I saw him roughly every week or so, it helped and was a real loss when that dissolved. And I will likely restrict or end completely the cuddling between SW and I. We get together to watch science fiction shows and sometimes curl up full body against each other as we watch. He wraps his arms around me and strokes me. I've always adored when he does this - it quiets the yak-yak-yak in my head and I relax and hum in my head with happiness. It's very grounding for me. Not much else quiets my mind. (I have a mental note to try meditation, again. It's not something I take to naturally.)

This kind of cuddling feels inherently sexual to me; I cannot separate it out from sex. I know many people can and I admire that and wish I could. But I can't. I am trying to move on from our sexual relationship and cuddling like what I described pulls me back to the headspace. I'm going to miss it horribly but it feels conflicted and weird to me. Much like our relationship in general.
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