Originally Posted by zylya
...When someone is using a term like "unicorn-hunter" or "OPP" they should be taking care that it's to describe a situation, with no element of judgement. As I said earlier in the topic, there's already enough judgement in the world just for being who we are, without having fellow polyamorists put each down because we're not doing it just like they are.
Terms are useful to understand a particular scenario, but they shouldn't be so pre-loaded, and they shouldn't be a way of simply dismissing someone's personal way of doing polyamory.
zylya, you seem to have a real issue with feeling judged and reading people's messages and opinions as them saying "my poly is better than your poly."
I mean, it seems like you are looking to be feeling attacked. Why not assume positive intent? There are as many ways to do poly as people doing it.
I apologized to rory for using the phrase "imposed OPP on you." If she's fine with it, good, it works for them. If Mono here needs a 2PP policy to feel comfortable, and RP doesn't mind so much, all well and good. (altho I do think it's an uncomfortable sticking point for them...)
My point isn't that OPP is a good thing or a bad thing, it's simply a type of relationship structure, which can never be good or bad in and of itself. OPP is good or bad (or healthy/unhealthy if you prefer) based on the people in the relationship and how they came to those decisions.
This is true... but on the other hand, I think it behooves men to examine why they are uncomfortable with their bi female partner only having female lovers. What is so magical about a penis, or another guy? What kind of threat does another male present that a female wouldn't? I don't think there is any way around the idea that it is inherently sexist to feel that another woman is less of a threat to him than another guy would be.
I don't blame the specific men for feeling this way. It's cultural. Girl on girl action is hot, but another guy would steal his woman away? His cock is bigger, he makes more money, he has more hair, whatever. There seems to be no fear another woman could be a better lover... she doesn't have that magical penis! As if that is the be all and end all of sex. From personal experience, it's quite possible a female lover will be a better kisser, perhaps better at oral sex, and definitely a good chance, more emotionally open than a guy would be. Maybe guys should be more worried about the perceived threat of another woman!
So... OPPs and unicorn hunting are early rules and ideals many newly poly couples often have. Usually these are set by the wayside when it's found an OPP isn't necessary (after examining its hypocrisy), and after a couple thinks they've found a unicorn only to find it doesn't live up to their ideal.
This horrible "judgment" you're so afraid of... well, we all judge. If we didnt judge, we'd have no way to form an opinion and there would be no reason for a discussion board!
Harsh kneejerk judgment could be a concern, and when I used the term "imposed on you," I guess I was guilty of that. But OPPs do make me see red, politically. OPPs are born out of fear and lack of self awareness and examination of stereotypes. So, hang me for being a feminist, I don't care.