Well, it was only a matter of time before she outright asked if I was ok and what was bothering me, I said there was quite a lot on my mind and I was figuring things out. I knew instantly I was going to have to tell her very soon as I couldn't leave anything like this hanging.
Later that night when we went to bed she asked again, so I told her. I can't tell you how hard it was, I had no clever speech planned out, I couldn't even think of the right words to say, "I think I am polyamourous".
At first she didn't quite get what I was trying to say, "so you fancy other girls - you are a man - whats new?" the "discussion" went from there, she got upset and said that I was basically telling her that I wasn't her ONE, and that I had fallen out of love for her. I did my best to explain how I loved her, she was my soul-mate, that I was very happy with her and our family and that I had no intention of leaving her, but that I could fall in love with more than one person at the same time. It was hard.
There was also discussion about my sexual frustration, I had to explain how I understood why she didn't want sex, but that I needed to let her know how hard it was for me, and that I had felt a bit pushed away.
In the end I think I had convinced her that nothing I felt for her had changed, that I did really love her and I had not cheated on her in the past and did not intend to.
The next morning I dropped the little lad to nursery and returned home to Z, we were both off and had planned to spend the day together. Before spending a lovely day in town we made love, cuddled and fell asleep together
I am not sure how it all sank in, time will tell. I feel better now, I can relax a bit more. At least we started talking and I am not hiding anything. I hope she understands or comes to understand.
I don't intend to pursue a relationship outside our marriage for a long time, if ever. Now is definitely not the right time, I have a huge amount of stuff to figure out in my head before I go there and I really do need to focus on what is ahead for our growing family.
One thing, Z's happiness is everything to me, I have made a commitment to her and I will not do anything to hurt her. That may be hard for me at times, but you can't always get what you want. Also what we have is a rare lasting love for one another, enough of a base to do well for our kids. That is certainly not something I take for granted.
For me this is not just about sex, its about falling for the person, wanting to spend more time with them and explore feelings. I did that with A, I fell for her and wanted to be with her, that feeling was strong and at the same time I was madly in love with Z I remember it was very tough for me to leave A then. A caught me by surprise, I had let myself get really deep feelings for her before I knew what was going on. There have been a couple of other people since but I had not allowed myself to get too close like I had with A.
There are lots of people I would love to just spend a night with but that's totally different.
Would I mind if Z had a relationship outside our marriage? I am going to say no, I think I realize now that if she fell in love with someone else then I would be ok with her dating. But it would only work with complete openness on all fronts. I have had to think about that one quite hard, but that's the answer I give myself. In fact thinking about it in this way makes me realize how complex a relationship change like that would be.
As for porn and the internet - these are the tools I use to balance out my very high and adventurous sex drive already
Now, off to put on MTV and do some housework....