Thread: 2 Issues
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Old 11-21-2011, 11:08 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
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Originally Posted by caragh87 View Post
To put it simply, my poly partner cheated.
He has 2 girlfriends, me and another partner and he slept with an ex a week ago. I caught him out.. he confessed, is regretful and will have no contact with her in the immediate future as she still wishes to be with him (probably didn't help that he slept with her AGAIN as its been months and months)

I am devestated, and I feel like a hypocrit for being upset because I believe in poly and what we are doing.... but I am just so upset and angry.
I moved her 4 weeks ago to be with him, and he couldn't stop himself 3 weeks in.

Any advice on how to deal?
Welcome to the board.

First of all, cheating on you and the other gf by having sex with an ex is not poly, it's just cheating. So you are not a hypocrite.

How long have you been in a relationship with this guy, long distance? How long has he been seeing the other gf? More than a year?

So my partner also has another partner, we have all been together the same amount of time but she lived in the same place, where as we did long distance and eventually decided to take it to the next level.

We get on okay, and I respect their relationship and time together.

When I moved we discussed how it would work and I thought only fair that he split his nights evenly as possible in a month with both of us.
But he and I work togerther, so most days we spent 8+ hours in the office together and although we aren't smooching.. its nice to be in the same place as someone that you love.
So I agreed FOR NOW while she adjusts to sharing him more, because I live with him.. that he has 4 nights with her and 3 with me.
I am not that unhappy or happy with the situation just indifferent.
However I wanted weekends to be split, as in rotating friday/saturday night as I did not move 8 hours to spend every Saturday night alone.

Well that hasn't happened for the last 3 weeks, and now he's just sprung on me that she has plans next Saturday night.

I am quite livid...
Yes, I don't see why you 3 can't arrange to make sure you get 2 Sat nights a month, and she gets 2, if that is important to you.

especially with the recent cheating episode (he hasn't told her, and wont at my advice because she'd probably have a break down and i feel like i've handled it.. please don't judge)
No judgment, but if the other gf is as close to him as you are, why doesn't she have a right to know how her bf slipped? That's pretty huge. She has a right to know and deal with the idea he is untrustworthy to keep his cock in his pants.

So yes, I am at the point where I feel like I need to put her in her place, that she can't just plan things every Saturday night and assume that he will be there. It's not respectful to our relationship.
I am also angry at him because he wont "put her in her place" essentially and just tell her that she doesn't always get what she wants.

So in any case, I've ended up with a really shitty roster this weekend of Monday, Thursday, Friday.
"Putting her in her place" is a bit of an odd phrase. Does your bf spend the night with her when he sees her those 4 nights a week?

Does anyone have any advice on how or who I should talk about this with.
He keeps saying that it "just happens" but I feel their is more too it.
Time sharing arrangements are key in polyamory. It sounds like your bf is being dismissive of your desire for Saturday nights with him. But why wouldnt a Friday night be just as much fun as a Saturday night?
With regards to the cheating, am I being too easy to forgive him for his mistake? I really love him and want to make this work but I feel so shitty.
Hard to say. 2 gfs and, I assume, plenty of sex with you 2, and he still gets tempted by and succumbs to an ex who still wants to be with him? What's up with that?
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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