Originally Posted by polymusing
Thanks for the welcome. I think I'd like my husband to read more about polyamory in the realm of what it can be before I introduce him to all the problems (which I seem to find more of on these forums unfortunately - any tips on positive threads would be appreciated). I guess right now, what is going on with me and my new/old love is what is termed an "emotional affair" and I don't like that. I don't want it to be "an affair" - so I'm trying to find a way to continue this wonderful connection without having to go against my own ethics. It's all so complicated!
Hello, welcome to the boards.
I am feeling your situation, as just a year ago I was in a similar situation- lack of open communication between my husband and I, and me emotionally involved with another man and completely at a loss as to how to be fulfilled and not hurt anyone in the process.
I'll tell you this- you mention your communication issues- poly will not be possible for you and your husband if you are to endeavor to grow this way without building your foundation by opening up those avenues of communication.
You say the distance is a long-standing thing- all the more reason to finally deal with it.
I was at the point in my marriage where it felt like it wasn't worth it to keep asking for understanding and intimacy and continually be dissapointed- so I had to make a choice- as much out of love for him as out of respect for myself and my own needs- that I would just not accept the status quo any more and it was time to take a risk. I thought I would lose everything and end up alone. Finally, it took both of us letting each other go to find each other again, and our relationship is now once again a living thing- growing, changing, very exciting, and very fulfilling in so many new ways.
I also felt protective of my husband, as you seem to, but in retrospect I recognize that as disrespectful of his capacity to grow as a human being and to really love me for who I am. He has really surprised me with his ability to love without condition, and desire my happiness from a deep place in himself. It took me giving him the respect of sharing ALL of my feelings, especially when it felt like what I was about to say would be the end of us. We are equals now.
I can't imagine loving someone (as you do your other love) for so long without being able to be free within that love. My heart hurts for you to think of it. I wonder why this denial of your own feelings for so long, this hurt against yourself (and him, and your husband) is acceptable according to your "ethics" for you to carry on for so many years, yet bringing it to light and fruition makes you feel like you're doing something wrong. You deserve to be liberated from this- you have suffered a long time. However you can get there, when you are a happy and fulfilled person, that's the only way that you can fully love either of your men.
As to you finding lots of "problems" being dealt with on this site- you're right- we all struggle with the dynamics, it's really strenuous at times to deal with our relationships, as it always is for anyone, regardless of relationship style. I'd like to point out that you yourself came here with a "problem", but hopefully you reached out in order to gain the insight that you need to conquer it and move forward. If you look closer on the boards you will see the sharing of some really beautiful, shining victories by members here. It's a lot of reading when you first join, because we talk about so many issues, but keep delving in, and I hope you can find some insight that hits home with you.
I wish you the best and hope you will not give up because it's scary and hard. The reward for yourself and your loves far outweigh the difficulty of continuing to live with secrets, with your heart split in half for any more precious time.