It my own fault, A just pinged me hi, I was of course happy to here from her. I asked if she would like to meet for coffee and a muffin, I guess to catch up. It was her asking me if Z would mind that got me thinking what the hell am I doing.
Its best for all that I take a cold shower and keep my contact with A to a bare min. I may even have to explain things to her so she is clear with what is going on.
What do I want, well I have always thought that I would prefer two live in partners, it makes so much sense sharing childcare, chores, income and intimacy. I can totally see it working in my head. I would not want Z to do something that she didn't like, she has to be happy too or it just wouldn't work.
A V relationship I had not really considered, I am not sure how I would feel about going off to another lover, I guess I would prefer the one big happy family, sharing all. Z and A would not have to sleep in a threesome if they didn't want to but in a perfect world for me they would. A V would be too close to cheating and doesn't have the advantage of sharing childcare, finances ect, not the ideal in my mind.
Would I mind Z having another lover? Difficult for me to answer, erm, I would not mind if it was a girl, would be less keen if it were a man. I have a do as you would be done by ethic so I guess logically I would have to try and deal with any issues I might have with her seeing another man. I don't think she is like that though, not something she has ever talked about. Except to use it as an example of why A+Z+S would not work, "how would you feel if I wanted to see other men?" when I asked her if she would mind having A in the relationship too.
I have built a fortress of trust into my relationship with Z, its the solid foundations that give me a clean happy sole. I feel 100% that I get that back from her. We have shared a big part of our lives and are really close, I never want it to stop.
Unfortunately for me I have always been a mad flirt, I still am. Now I am starting to think its not because I am a womanizer, a cheat, have insecurity issues but that I am still looking for another A.
Yes, right now its been hard with Z being so sick. I have had little affection, no sex and I have felt isolated and helpless. I have talked about it but I have to give her all the time she needs, it would be unfair to force her to do somthing she is not up for, but I still have needs - sexual and emotional. The whole A+S+Z thing would make so much sense now, Z would still have my full support, A would too and would contribute to helping Z during this time. I know this ain't gonna happen, not now.
I guess I would like Z to understand and appreciate what I am dealing with in my own messed up head. At the moment I feel quite alone on this one, its one thing I can't just blurt out without thinking about why I should, the pro's and con's.
If she is adamant I not see anyone outside our marriage and the relationship has to stay Z+S then that is the way it has to be. I will just have to learn to keep better control of my desires. But at least she will understand.
I am starting to think I should tell her, not ask her to do anything but understand how I am wired. Explain that I am still here for her 100%. Because its the right thing to do, but is my honesty enough reason to bring this up right now? In the end why would she need to know, I already made a choice to commit to her, I just find it hard sometimes, like now, I feel like I have a big secret from her.
I wish I was pure mono, and that I didn't have all this sexual energy, things would be so much easier.
On the plus side, I have not gone too far down the path with A, although I am sure I still love her I havent been seeing her and I think I can avoid getting too deep again. Z is also very understanding so if I do tell her she would prob be able to deal with it, its not as if it would be a complete revelation.
If she asks I will tell her whats going on, if not I will try and bury it.